South Park With An Odd Twist
by Laura Barton
Summary: An onslaught of new students joining the fourth grade could drive Mr.Garrison insane, that is if these strange students don't annihilate South Park first. How will Stan, Kyle and Cartman deal with these new students and fiction that comes to get them?
1. Episode 1:The French Cousin

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 1: The French Cousin_

"Dude, you have a cousin from France?" Stan looked at Cartman with a look of pure disbelief on his face as Cartman told them about this cousin of his.

"Yah right, fat ass! Why would you have a cousin from France!" Kyle pointed an accusing finger at Cartman's face, not believe a word of it from the moment he heard it. There was no way Cartman would have a cousin from France. Besides, didn't he hate French people?

"I don't know! But I do!" Cartman yelled at the Jewish boy pointing at him, swatting at the pointing finger idly.

"I don't believe you!" Kyle yelled right back, now crossing his arms defiantly across his chest.

"How much you want to bet, Jew-boy!" Cartman knew he would win this bet for sure, but he always won against Kyle anyway.

"Ten bucks!" Kyle said after a moment of thinking about the price. That price seemed to fit and though he was anxious about placing his whole allowance on the bet, he was sure he wasn't going to lose.

"Well, Kyle, get your ten bucks ready!" Before they could say another word, Cartman was running off to his house.

"Stupid asshole. He's probably going to come back pretending to be his 'cousin' from France and then go 'nananananana, hahahahahaha' or whatever the hell he does," Kyle thought aloud bitterly. This was just typical of Cartman, and he wouldn't fall for any of Cartman's lame ass tricks!

"Yah, you're probably right," Stan agreed with a nod, however, he couldn't help but wonder.

* * *

"Mom!" Cartman called slamming the front door as he ran in, not caring how loud the bang was.

"Yes, pooky?" Mrs. Cartman came out of the kitchen with oven mitts on, meaning she was probably making some sort of fatty pastry for her "pooky".

"Is my cousin here yet?" Cartman asked frantically, wanting to prove Kyle wrong once again. He looked around with the same frantic attitude, searching up the stairs and everywhere for his cousin.

"No, snooky-bear. He'll be here tomorrow," Mrs. Cartman replied with her naturally, overly happy sounding voice.

"God damn it!" Cartman yelled in anger, wanting to go back and show off right that second.

"Don't worry, you'll be able to show him to all your little friends tomorrow morning. He'll be going to school with you while he's here," Mrs. Cartman told her overly large son with a grin.

"Yah! I can prove the Jew wrong once again!" Cartman laughed with spite.

"Yes, honey," Mrs. Cartman had no idea what the hell her son was talking about, but she didn't ask any questions. Her state of ignorant bliss when it came to her son's antics was one that she rarely decided to delve beyond.

* * *

"Hi yah, fellas." Butters walked up to Stan and Kyle who were waiting for the bus.

"Oh, hey, Butters," Stan said, wishing the weird kid with blonde hair would just go away. Butters was always rather irritating and he seemed pretty dense since he never got the picture that no one liked him.

"Did yah fellas meet Eric's cousin from France?" Butters continued on talking, not even noticing that he wasn't wanted around as always.

"What! That fat ass actually has a cousin from France!" Kyle said, his jaw dropping. "No, you must be lying!"

"Nope, I ain't lying. Oh, here they come now," Butters looked over to where Cartman and another boy were walking up to the bus stop.

"Hey, Kyle. Meet my _cousin_ from _France_, Mike," Cartman said with a victory smile.

"Salut," the boy beside Cartman said. He was also fat, but Cartman was still fatter than him, and unlike Cartman, he wore no hat, revealing short, dark hair.

"So, Kyle. I think you owe me ten bucks." Cartman held out his hand to accept the money.

"Oh, god damn it!" Kyle mumbled, completely pissed off. He took out the ten dollars of allowance money, staring at it defeated before he handed it to Cartman, who immediately began to count it in front of him.

"Now, Mike, this is Stan, the gay loser is Butters and this is the Jew-boy, Kyle," Cartman introduced them to his French cousin, pocketing the money away once he'd made sure all ten dollars was accounted for.

"It is good to be meeting you." Mike's English was pretty much crap. He might as well have been speaking Gibberish it was so bad. The way he spoke was fairly choppy as well, as if every damn word were its own sentence.

The bus pulled up and the bus driver, Ms. Crabtree, opened the door. She looked like she had lost a few screws, but that was normal. Mike just stared at the bus driver in awe before quickly getting on the bus, following behind Cartman. Stan and Kyle sat in one seat while Cartman and Mike sat in the one across from them, though how they both fit was a mystery to all of them. Butters was left to go sit by himself in a seat behind them.

"What is being her problème?" Mike asked, his English still crappy as hell.

"She's just a cranky old whore," Cartman told him without really thinking about it.

"What was that!" Ms. Crabtree turned around, yelling at him.

"I said I slammed my fingers in the door," Cartman told her, shaking his hand for her to see his non-existent pain.

"Oh, okay then." Ms. Crabtree turned around, seemingly contented with that answer, and began to drive to school.

At school Mr. Garrison introduced the new student to the class. He wrote his name on the board and then turned to face his students. He didn't look too pleased, especially considering who it was, but he knew he would have to deal with this kid.

"Okay, children, we have a new student. This is Eric Cartman's cousin, Mike, from France." Mr. Garrison said as Mike went to find an empty seat.

"Yes, Kyle. That is MY cousin from FRANCE," Cartman leaned over and told Kyle rather loudly.

"Shut up!" Kyle retorted sharply.

"Everyone make Mike feel real welcome for his first day," Mr. Garrison commented and then began to teach. "Now today we are going to learn about…"

The lesson went on as its usual boring self as Mr. Garrison taught them something that couldn't possibly be in the normal curriculum, though the students knew no different. They just listened obliviously to the nonsense, opinion oriented lesson Mr. Garrison taught, while the rest of the school learned whatever they were really supposed to be learning.

And then there was recess. It too was rather boring for once since the tetherball had flown off its string the previous day and gone missing. No one had remembered to bring their footballs and the female population of the school was currently occupying all playground equipment. The boys had attempted to go and pry them from this equipment, however the girls blatantly shot them down and glared daggers at them. For fear of being under the wrath of females such as Wendy and Bebe, they just left the girls alone.

When they went back to class, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave were teaching something random that no one really cared about anyway. Such a boring lesson carried them all the way to lunch as the two got carried away with the topic and forgot to switch to another subject. At lunch, the children waited in the lunch line to get their food.

"Hello, children," Chef said in the same tone as he normally did everyday.

"Hey, Chef," they all replied, except for Mike having no idea who the black man was. Mike merely stared at the man in the white chef's hat like he was some strange creature that could be infectious. A rather rude stare, however he didn't seem to care that this stare was protruding from his eyes.

"Chef, this is my cousin, Mike, from FRANCE. Isn't that right, Kyle?" Cartman told Chef.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mike. I didn't know you had French relatives, Eric," Chef turned to look at Cartman after waving a hello to Mike.

"Me neither, but I do." Cartman took his lunch tray along with the rest of them, ready to show off his foreign cousin to the whole damn lunchroom.

"Where are we going to sit?" Stan looked around the lunchroom. It was completely full, except for a table where Butters, Tweak and Pip were sitting.

"Nah-ah. I am not sitting with those gay lords," Cartman refused, shaking his head when he saw where Stan's eyes were. "We can sit on the floor!"

"I agree with Cartman. Let's find somewhere else to sit," Kyle also refused to sit with them.

"There is nowhere else and I'm not sitting on the floor," Stan informed them, beginning to walk towards the table where the three misfits sat.

"Who are these 'gay lords' you speak of?" Mike asked, curiously, wondering what was so apparently bad about the three boys at the lunch table.

"Well, you already met Butters, and then there's Tweak and Pip," Cartman told him shortly.

"Come on guys, we'll just ignore them," Stan said, stopping to beckon them forth before walking over to the table.

Sighing with reluctance, the others followed.

"Hello, fellas," Butters greeted them, rather surprised that they were going anywhere near himself, Pip and Tweak.

"Ah! Who's that?" Tweak asked, flinching violently, not trusting any stranger.

"That's Mike you loser. You met him in class," Kyle snapped at the shaking boy, resisting slamming his tray down on the table as he sat with caution.

"Oh, right," Tweak took a sip of the coffee he had in his large thermos.

"So Mike. You are from France?" Pip asked with his English accent sticking out like a sore thumb among the nonexistent accents of the South Park people.

"Oui," Mike said, unsure of the word for yes at the moment.

"He means yes," Cartman beamed with pride. Perhaps it was because he felt he was learning another language that he assumed Kyle didn't understand.

"No, shit," Kyle snorted, knowing Cartman was trying to be a smart ass.

"I am from England," Pip said, making conversation with the foreigner.

"From England. I have never been there," Mike feigned his musing, wondering why this retard was talking to him. He had just started talking to this kid and he already hated him beyond all reasoning. There was just an air to Pip that screamed 'I'm the most annoying thing on this planet!'

"Oh, you should go. Nice place it is." Pip continued on, about to go into further detail about his homeland.

"Okay, Pip. Shut up," Stan was growing annoyed of this already.

"So, yah fellas want to hang out after school?" Butters said after a moment of silence.

"No!" Kyle and Stan both announced immediately.

They both recalled hanging out with Butters before. It had been just after Kenny had died… again. Hanging out with Butters was a disaster they'd rather not have experienced again and didn't plan on it.

"Ah, but why not?" Butters didn't understand why they didn't like him, but he would find out.

"Because you're gay, Butters. We don't like gay people," Cartman told him casually as he shoved whatever was on his lunch tray in his mouth.

"Fine then," Butters gave up, just as he normally did, not even yelling at Cartman for calling him gay. He got up and left the table, taking his tray with him and discarding his garbage.

"Good, he's finally gone," Cartman said, though he was well aware that the other two still remained.

There was a dead silence for a few minutes, only to be broken by Tweak as he drank more coffee. He sipped from the thermos, his eyes darting back and forth between them all. He looked as if he were about to snap at them.

"Ah! This is too much pressure!" he ran away frantically, spilling his coffee all over the place.

"What is his problème?" Mike asked watching the freaky boy run away with alarm and mild amusement.

"He's a freak," Cartman shrugged.

* * *

Later that night, Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Tweak and Mike were walking through the seemingly empty streets of South Park. But little did they know that it would soon go from being a practically silent night to one filled with mayhem. The kind of mayhem that one does not forget so easily and the kind of mayhem one never wants to face again.

"Why are we doing this again?" Tweak asked nervously looking around. He flinched at every shadow that moved, even his own.

"Because Cartman wanted to show his cousin around town," Stan told the twitching child, resisting smacking him across the face.

"But how did I get dragged into this? Whenever I hang around with you guys I always get in trouble!" Tweak continued to spasm.

"Tweak, just shut your god damn mouth," Cartman ordered.

Mike walked along in silence, thinking to himself. These people were so naïve as to his real plan. He planned to destroy South Park, for no real reason. It was just a hobby he had. Destroying things. He wasn't really as stupid as he let them think. He could speak English properly and he knew that pretty much all of them were retards.

"Why are we going at night though?" Tweak demanded, continuing to look around.

"Because we are," Kyle told him, sighing in exasperation even though he didn't know the answer himself.

"But what if we get kidnapped. Like remember that time that the child abductors were on the loose!" Tweak nearly screamed.

"That was a while ago," Stan didn't even look at him.

Mike was growing very bored and he stopped without saying anything. They all stopped and glanced back at him. What was he doing?

"Come on, Mike. There's still a lot of the town to show you," Cartman insisted, beckoning his cousin to come forward.

"No," Mike shook his head and looked right at Cartman.

"What is going on here?" Tweak asked, immediately paranoid.

"You retarded freak, shut up!" Mike yelled at Tweak, scaring the boy further.

"Ah!" he yelped, jumping behind Kyle who was nearest to him.

"Whoa, you can talk normally?" Stan asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, duh. Did you morons actually think that I was that stupid!" Mike snapped and none of them answered. "That's what I thought. By the way, fat ass. I'm not really your cousin."

"What!" Cartman demanded. This was an outrage.

"Ha! I told you fatass!" Kyle cheered victoriously.

"Shut your hole, Jew!" Mike said before Cartman could.

"Hey!" Stan defended him.

"Do you want to know why I'm really here?" Mike asked, for some reason standing in the middle of the road. "It's because…" but before he could finish, something happened.

Mike was hit by a bus being driven by an old man. The bus had been swerving along the road without its lights on, pegging the innocent 'pedestrian' without much difficulty. He fell to the ground, blood spilling out of his snapped neck and seeping into the pavement. He lay dead in the middle of the road, leaving the four boys still standing there watching.

"Oh my God. They killed Mike…" Kyle stared, his voice trailing off.

"Those bastards…" Stan finished, doing exactly the same.

"What was that!" an old woman in the bus yelled to the driver.

"It was nothing, just a pothole!" the old man yelled back, continuing to drive as if nothing happened.

"God damn it!" Cartman yelled at the top of his lungs into the night air, ignoring as some of those in the houses around him shouted for him to shut up.

"Come on Cartman, give me my ten bucks back!" Kyle said holding out his hand to accept his money back.

"No way!" Cartman said.

"What! Why not!" Kyle narrowed his eyes in anger.

"Cause you're a J-O-O," Cartman spelled out the word (incorrectly) for him.

"What's that got to do with me winning the bet!" Kyle demanded.

Cartman thought for a second, "Because Jews are supposed to be poor, like Kenny!"

"Shut up you fat asshole!" Kenny's spirit said through Cartman's body. He was still there, even after the long period of time it had been as if he refused to leave. Cartman had drunk Kenny's ashes, thinking it was crummy chocolate milk mix and was now paying the price by sharing a body with the boy he once ripped on every day.

"Give me my money!" Kyle still held out his hand.

Cartman pulled the money out of his pocket and handed it over to Kyle rather violently. "God damn it I hate you guys!" He snarled walking away.

* * *

Credits  
Mike: Mike Bell


	2. Episode 2:Friday The 13th

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 2: Friday The 13th_

"Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said to the students at the assembly. "There will be no school, m'kay?"

"Yes, you will all be staying home with your parents," Principle Victoria clarified, looking nervously around the room at the students, hoping there would be no problems at all. "If there is any problem with that, you talk to your teacher."

"What the hell's so special about Friday the 13th?" Stan wondered aloud after the assembly, not recalling having to go home in the past on a Friday the 13th.

"Who cares! It's a day off school!" Cartman exclaimed, looking at Stan as if he was stupid.

"I guess so, but doesn't it seem a bit odd to you?" Kyle asked, agreeing with Stan.

"Yah, dude. My parents are like totally freaking out about it." Stan nodded.

"Ack! We're all gonna die aren't we!" Tweak shouted suddenly, seeming to have appeared out of nowhere beside them. They all jumped a bit, startled, but after just obtained glances of annoyance.

"We're not gonna die Tweak," Cartman yelled at the twitching, paranoid maniac.

"Maybe we should ask Chef. He knows everything," Kyle suggested.

"Yeah," Stan nodded.

* * *

At lunch, they walked up to the food line and waited to talk to Chef. The line was extra long for some odd reason and they had to wait for a long while. But once they reached the large black man they were greeted warmly.

"Hello children," Chef said his usual hello to the little group.

"Hey Chef," they all said in return before going off into their own questions.

"Chef, what's the big deal about Friday the 13th?" Stan asked, as he was usually the one that asked the questions.

"Now children, you don't need to worry about that." Chef didn't want to be the one to explain. Hell, he never wanted to be the one to explain. They always found some way to get him in trouble for it, no matter how unintended it was.

"But why's everyone freaking out about it?" Kyle demanded, not understanding.

"Well…uh… move along children, you're holding up the line!" Chef suddenly said, avoiding the question entirely. At times they never were holding up the line, but on the occasions that they were, he was lucky.

"Damn it, why wouldn't he answer?" Kyle said angrily, glaring at the food on his tray as if it was its fault.

"Maybe it's really that bad!" Tweak twitched as he always did. He'd been right behind them when they asked the question, and just kept tagging along all the same.

"Maybe it's because it's not a big deal," Cartman was pretty damn sure he was right. He was always sure he was right though, even if proven wrong much later on.

"Yeah, right, fat ass! That's why everyone's going crazy!" Kyle yelled at Cartman, but that was nothing out of the ordinary.

"How much you want to bet, Jew?" Cartman and his bets again…

"Nah-ah. Remember last time we bet? I won!" Kyle said, finding there no reason to bet the fat retard again.

"That was just a one time thing!" Cartman held up his index finger as he said one and he was obviously angered. So what? The Jew beat him once, big deal!

"Kyle's right, Cartman. You'll probably lose again," Stan told him nonchalantly.

"Oh, siding with the Jew, are you Stan?" Cartman couldn't believe this.

"You guys! Stop fighting! Ack! Too much pressure!" Tweak's eye was twitching fiercely.

"I'll show you Kyle! There's nothing to this Friday the 13th crap!" Cartman said, stalking off with his food tray still in hand.

"What if he's right dude?" Stan asked.

"Yeah right. Every time our parents and the town start freaking about something, something bad happens. Remember the time that we almost lost the town to those Indians…" he began.

"Native Americans Kyle," Stan corrected.

"Right. But they were freaking out and then we all caught SARS!" Kyle finished.

"Yeah, you're right." Stan finally agreed.

"What are we going to do then, guys!" Tweak nearly shouted, drawing much attention to them, though people were quite used to his spastic ways.

"We're going to have to get to the bottom of this." Kyle made a fist and hit it upon the table.

* * *

"Stupid Jew. What does he know?" Cartman scowled all the way home.

"Hey, snookums," Mrs. Cartman greeted her son.

"Hey, mom," Cartman answered. "What's the big deal with Friday the 13th, mom?"

"Oh, it's nothing for you to worry about, hun." Mrs. Cartman got a somewhat nervous look on her face, but then quickly covered it with a smile.

"Right," Cartman agreed with his mother. "Everyone's just overreacting."

"That's right. Now dinner's in a bit so get ready." Mrs. Cartman walked off quickly towards the kitchen, leaving her son to go upstairs.

* * *

"Dad, why are people making such a big deal about tomorrow?" Stan asked his father.

Mr. Marsh stopped eating immediately and looked to his wife. Mrs. Marsh looked like she was going to burst out in tears. Mr. Marsh looked back at Stan and talked slowly and seriously.

"Stan, this is a very serious issue. On Friday the 13th, something bad always happens. It used to be just a day where motorcyclists road up to Port Dover, in Canada. But then one day, they came." Mr. Marsh's voice was low. "The Hell's Angels. A gang of outlawed motorcyclists started to try and fight the people who went to Port Dover because they don't believe that they're real motorcyclists. Many people die each Friday the 13th, just because of the Hell's Angels," Mr. Marsh finished.

"But if it's in Canada, then why is everyone making such a big deal about it?" Stan didn't really comprehend any of this.

"Because, each year they choose a different city to fight in. No one ever knows which one it is, so everyone stays off the streets incase they come," Mr. Marsh told him.

"Haha, turd. You're gonna die!" Shelly, Stan's lisp ridden sister laughed, pointing at him.

"What!" Stan's eyes widened. "Why am I going to die!"

"Cause they're going to come here for you and your geeky friends!" she spat with the strong lisp.

"Now Shelly, that's not true," Mrs. Marsh told them.

"Yesh it is!" Shelly insisted and they all gave up.

* * *

"Kyle! Did your parents tell you about Friday the 13th?" Stan asked on the phone.

"Yeah! That's just freaky, and it also proves Cartman is wrong!" Kyle said with a hint of victory in his voice.

"We should tell him, or else he's going to go walking around town tomorrow!" Stan suddenly thought. He then took a second thought. Who cared if he walked around town when there was fighting going on? Maybe he'd finally get the ass-kicking he deserved.

"We should, but the asshole won't believe us…" Kyle trailed off.

"You're right. We're going to have to prove it to him somehow!" Stan knew that there was no way to do that, but they had to.

"The only way to do that is to let him see it for himself," Kyle told Stan shortly as he didn't really care anyway. It was just his morals telling him that they should perhaps warn Cartman before hand.

"Dude, maybe they won't even come to South Park. My dad says they choose a different city every Friday the 13th," Stan remembered.

"Oh, yeah. We just have to hope they don't come!" Kyle nodded, though Stan couldn't see that.

* * *

They all awoke the next morning to the sound of motorcycles. The roaring engines woke up all of South Park and they were all watching terrified at their windows. Some of them forced themselves to look away and shut their curtains, but most of them didn't. There were the normal motorcyclists, waiting idly for the Hell's Angels to arrive and they were growing impatient.

"Stan, don't watch! Go to your room!" Mrs. Marsh hollered at him.

"But mom!" Stan said, wanting to watch.

"GO!" she screamed at him, causing him to scamper off up the stairs.

But he still watched from his own bedroom window. He decided the view was better up there anyway and he examined the waiting motorcyclists. They were sitting on their bikes, looking rather bored and some of the females were filing their nails while some other people were working on a laptop. They wore leather, but it wasn't really all that cool. Stan found this rather strange, but he watched anyway.

Eric Cartman did not awaken to all the noise. He just continued on sleeping, even though they were pretty damn close to his house. He was dreaming about how stupid Kyle was and that there was nothing wrong with Friday the 13th. He rolled over in his sleep muttering, "I told you Kyle. I win again."

Kyle on the other hand was watching from his bedroom window as well. He too had been screamed at by his mother to go to his room, along with his brother Ike. He was just as confused as Stan about what they were doing. But then he looked when he heard other motorcycles coming up the road.

The engines were even louder than the others had been, and the people on the bikes looked completely 'bad ass'. They wore leather too, but they also had spikes, chains, and some of them carried various weapons. Some had baseball bats, others knives, others guns and many of them carried more than one weapon. This was more like they had expected. They expected a fierce battle, not business people.

"You are sad excuses for motorcyclists!" the Hell's Angels leader yelled, pointing his knife at them.

The people looked up from what they were doing and quickly put away their laptops and nail files. They then sat properly on their bikes and glared at the Hell's Angels.

"Just cause we don't kill people and do drugs doesn't mean we're bad motorcyclists!" their leader yelled. "We're just normal people who like to ride motorcycles!"

"Cartman better be watching this…" Kyle said aloud, opening his window to hear what they were saying.

"We go through this every Friday the 13th, why don't you just give up!" the Hell's Angels leader told him and his gang cheered and started shouting in agreement.

"No way! We're not giving up! Right?" the other leader turned to look at his group, who all nodded and said things like, 'quite right' and 'indeed'.

"Well then, it begins again!" the Hell's Angels leader did a wheelie with his motorcycle and sped off towards the opposing force. His gang followed in suit and the sound of motorcycles filled the air again.

"Let's show them who's boss!" the other leader said and they all sped towards the Hell's Angels.

The two forces began to fight. The motorcyclists who weren't Hell's Angels fought using stupid things like rulers, binders, and even some used their laptops, though some of them did have baseball bats as well. But it was nothing compared to the Hell's Angels. The slaughter began, blood spilling on the road as the Hell's Angels began to kill them off one by one. The screams of the people could be heard throughout South Park.

The residents of South Park watched in horror, this being their first time seeing the bloody battle. Stan, Kyle and the rest of their class (except Cartman who was somehow still asleep) watched wide-eyed. They now understood why people were freaking out. But the worst was yet to come.

Bullets flew through the air, piercing the hearts of the people and darting through their brains. Cracking bones could be heard as the people were being beaten to death and many were getting severe cuts from the blades. The Hell's Angels were obviously winning, and they were enjoying this way too much.

Once every one of the people who went to Port Dover were dead, the Hell's Angels started to laugh and cheer in victory. But then their leader shouted over them so they would shut up.

"We have won again!" he called out to them once they were quiet. "Let's have our victory flight!" he received cheers as a response to that.

Suddenly, out of each of the Hell's Angels' backs sprouted bat-like wings. Their eyes changed from whatever they were to a deep blood red and they all grew fangs. On their hands, their fingernails extended into claws that could rip anyone's heart out with ease. They all took off into the air, leaving their motorcycles behind. Their laughter could be heard for miles, but they vanished behind the clouds.

The people of South Park began to emerge from their houses cautiously to inspect the battlegrounds. Kyle and Stan met up with Butters and Tweak and they all stared at the pools of blood before them.

"That was just weird," Stan said, kicking one of the dead bodies cautiously.

"Ack! I thought we were all gonna die!" Tweak shouted, shaking more than usual.

"Ah-huh, I thought they were going to come for us next!" Butters told them.

"Hey wait," Kyle said, catching their attention.

"What?" Stan asked, looking at his friend with confusion in his expression.

"Where's the fat ass?" Kyle looked around, not seeing him at all. "God damn it! Don't tell me he missed the entire thing!"

"Ahaa," Cartman stretched while joining the group. He had just awoken from his slumber and came to see what was going on. "What's going on you guys?"

"Cartman! Did you just wake up!" Kyle demanded, glaring at the lazy asshole.

"Yup. I told you there was nothing wrong with Friday the 13th!" Cartman said.

"Are you blind! Do you not see the dead people!" Kyle yelled as he pointed viciously at the ground.

"Oh, did the old people start driving through town again at the same time?" Cartman asked, not really paying much attention.

"No, you dumbass! There was a fight between two rival motorcycle gangs!" Stan shouted at him.

"Sure guys. I'm going to believe that. You're just trying to prove that something went wrong." Cartman stood there.

"Look at the motorcycles on the ground!" Kyle shouted.

"Ah! Guys stop fighting again!" Tweak shouted over Kyle.

"Shut up, Tweak!" Stan snapped.

"AH!" Tweak ran away screaming his head off.

"So what, there's motorcycles on the ground big deal!" Cartman said, looking around him at all the people. He noticed that they all looked scared out of their minds, but he was convinced that they were overreacting, just as his mother had said.

"Cartman, you are such an idiot!" Kyle yelled.

"I'm not going to put up with this. So screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman pointed in the direction of his house and began to walk away.

"God damn it," Kyle cursed loudly, completely pissed off.


	3. Episode 3:Jolly Good

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 3: Jolly Good_

"Sit down and shut up!" Ms. Crabtree yelled as Kyle, Stan, and Cartman got on the bus. She really hated children. She didn't even know how she survived this job, but it was the only one she could do. Besides, she had summers off, right? That was more than a lot of people could say.

"Shut you god damn mouth you old hag," Kenny said through Cartman's body as he walked by.

"What was that!" Ms. Crabtree screamed at him, turning around so fast in the seat that it looked like potential self-induced whiplash.

"I said I need a goddamn barf bag," Cartman replied, cursing Kenny's soul that was trapped within him. He regretted the day he drank that 'chocolate milk mix'. Fucking chocolate milk mix was Kenny's ashes and now the poor bastard was stuck in him. Cartman vowed to never touch chocolate milk again.

"Oh, okay," Ms. Crabtree believed the story with ease, apparently nonchalant about this 'need for a barf bag' and turned around to drive the bus.

Stan and Kyle laughed quietly as Cartman scowled in the seat beside them. The laughter would have been louder if not for the cranky woman that was their bus driver. The slightest sound of noise and she was having an anger fit. The two boys thought this was insanely funny, though, and couldn't hold in their laughter.

"That was a good one, Kenny," Kyle told his deceased friend.

"Yeah, Cartman looked afraid," Stan laughed some more while he spoke, trying his best not to start laughing louder.

"Shut up you guys!" Cartman shouted at them as best he could, but still received another shout from the bus driver. He would get Kenny out of his body if it was the last thing he ever did, and he'd vowed that too.

The rest of the ride was generally silent, except for the occasional snicker from Stan and Kyle, then the yell from Cartman that followed and the yell from the bus driver that followed that. When the bus pulled up to the school, the three of them got out along with their other classmates and headed off towards Mr. Garrison's class. They all hated that man, but knew they'd have to keep dealing with him.

"Okay, children, today we're going to be starting a project," Mr. Garrison told them as they all sat down. "It's going to be a group project on a topic of your choice. You can pick who you want to be in your group and it doesn't matter how many of you there are."

The class got right to starting the project and picking their group members. Naturally, Stan, Kyle and Cartman decided to work together as they usually did. Though it had seemed Stan and Kyle were reluctant, as usual, to let Cartman in. Who knew if the fat ass would actually work? They pushed their desks together all the same and began discussing what they were going to do their project on.

"We should do a project on getting Kenny out of my body!" Cartman declared, the thought instantly popping into his head considering what Kenny had done earlier that day.

"No way, dude. There'd be no proof that he left your body, even if he did," Stan told him sharply. "Mr. Garrison would fail us for sure." He didn't like the idea of an 'F', but also the idea of being rid of Kenny was something he didn't want. It was too funny watching him make an idiot out of Cartman.

"Besides, it's funny watching you get all pissed off over it." Kyle laughed.

"Alright then, let's do a project on Hitler and act it out so we can kill the Jew!" Cartman said through gritted teeth. He also had his fist raised, about to strike the other boy, but something caught his eye.

"Hiya, fellas." Butters approached their group with Pip at his side.

"What do you want Butters? We're talking," Stan demanded.

"Well, ah, Pip and I were wondering if we could join your group," Butters said timidly, rubbing his hands together in the odd fashion that he always did.

"No way Butters!" Kyle didn't hesitate to say.

"Well, ah, okay then. See yah fellas." Butters and Pip were about to leave, both looking slightly dejected, when Mr. Garrison came up behind them.

"So your group is Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Pip, and Butters. Great," Mr. Garrison said, writing down the names.

"No! They were just talking to us!" Stan protested, but Mr. Garrison was already walking away and didn't here him.

"God damn it, look what you've done now Butters!" Kyle told him bitterly.

"Yeah, now we're stuck with you and Pip!" Cartman glared at the two boys.

"Jolly good. What's our project going to be on?" Pip said in his normal, oddly cheerful voice. Sure, he and Butters could have just worked together in a group, since the amount of people didn't matter, but neither had been able to think of anything for a project. That and they wanted to hang out with the people they so oddly believed to be their 'friends'.

"Hey, how about instead of getting Kenny's soul out of Cartman, we bring Cartman's 'French cousin' back to life?" Kyle suddenly got the idea, making finger quotes around the words French and cousin, just to piss Cartman off.

"Ay!" Cartman shouted, knowing that Kyle was making fun of him.

"Yeah! There'd be proof that we brought him back to life since he got hit by a bus and died!" Stan agreed, liking the idea.

"But where are we going to find his body?" Butters asked, remembering the strange boy who claimed to be French. The boy had seemed nice enough, but damn, he just up and died on them.

"It's probably buried in the cemetery," Stan told him even though he was shrugging at the same time.

"Oh, no way fellas! I'm not going in no cemetery!" Butters protested against this idea as he waved his hands in front of his form defensively.

"Come on Butters, don't be a chicken!" Kyle ordered. "If you're going to be stuck with us you have to do this."

"Uh," Butters thought for a moment before giving in and saying, "okay."

"Jolly good!" Pip said again. It seemed to be the only thing that he could say. "So when are we going to the cemetery?"

* * *

Later that night, Butters, Stan, Kyle and Pip went to the graveyard to look for Mike's grave. It wasn't that hard to find and once they did find it, they began to dig. Well, Butters and Pip were digging while Stan and Kyle were on the 'look out'. They stood at the edge of the hole, watching as Butters and Pip worked hard and dug the hole deeper and deeper.

"So where's Cartman?" Kyle asked Stan while they waited for them to find the coffin.

"He went to get the stuff we need to bring Mike back to life. He said something about a magic spell book or something." Stan shrugged skeptically.

"The dumb ass will probably bring his mother's cookbook," Kyle scoffed. They both laughed for a moment before hearing Pip shout up to them.

"We found it!" he said triumphantly.

"Good, now haul it up here!" Stan called down to them.

Once they got the coffin out (only God knows how they in-fact did get it out), they all dragged it back to Butters' house. All were wary of being caught, but did it all the same, pausing at the sight of any other movement besides their own.

"Why's it have to be at my house?" Butters asked in a worried voice. Oh he would so be grounded for having a dead person in the basement. Yup, he would.

"Because it does," Stan stated sharply.

"We're going to have to drag it down the basement," Kyle said, pulling with all his strength. He didn't think one dead boy could be so heavy, but then again, Mike was pretty much the same size as Cartman.

"Ah, fellas. Don't you think Mike'll try to finish whatever he started when he came to South Park?" Butters asked.

"How do you know about that Butters, you weren't even there!" Stan demanded, wondering how he did know that information.

"Tweak told me," Butters said plainly. Not only was Tweak his friend, but the boy had practically told everyone in his incessant spazzings.

They dragged the coffin into the house, slipping past Butters' parents with ease. They opened the basement door and began to drag it down the stairs. It clunked dully against the wood of the stairs and the coffin even split a bit. They figured it wouldn't matter anyway and just kept on dragging it down. They put the coffin in a place where Butters' parents wouldn't find it, under the stairs. Butters said that his parents rarely ever came down to the basement anyway, but it was for safety precaution.

"Okay, we'll all meet back here tomorrow after school, alright?" Kyle told them and they all nodded.

Kyle, Stan and Pip headed home, as did Cartman after he bought the stuff he needed from wherever. They would bring Mike back to life the very next day.

* * *

"Hello children," Chef greeted the children in the lunch line the next day.

"Hey, Chef." They returned his hello, as normal.

"What are you doing today?" he asked casually.

"We're going to bring Mike back to life," Pip blurted. "It's going to be jolly good fun."

"What?" Chef was alarmed and confused by this. Hell, he nearly dropped a whole pile of the food he was supposed to be serving on the floor.

"Never mind, Pip. You know the little English freak likes to babble," Cartman punched Pip in the arm, causing him to fall over.

"Now, children, are you doing anything dangerous or illegal?" Chef questioned them with wariness in his voice.

"Of course not. Why would we ever do that?" Stan said, grabbing his lunch tray.

"Well, we have to go discuss our class project," Kyle said, doing the same.

They all took their lunch trays and headed for an empty table as quickly as they could. They sat down and started talking about the events that would take place later on.

"Okay, so we all go to Butters' house after school, got it?" Stan said.

"Right" the others nodded.

"Are your parents going to be home, Butters?" Cartman asked, readying himself to kill the little bastard if he gave him a bad answer.

"Yeah, but they won't come down the basement if I tell them not to," Butters tried to assure them.

"Okay, you better be right." Cartman was disappointed that he didn't get to hurt him.

"Cartman, you have all the stuff right?" Stan asked, making sure that the fat ass didn't screw up.

"Yup, it's all in my backpack," Cartman grinned as he told them, as if he felt important.

"Good, you better have the right stuff," Kyle warned him.

"Of course I have the right stuff, dumb Jew. But you wouldn't know that!" Cartman glared at him.

After a sharp retaliation from Kyle, they all decided to go to Cartman's locker after school to get proof of this 'right stuff'. At his locker, Cartman opened it up and pulled out his backpack, only to discover the items he was searching for weren't in there. He closed the bag before the others could get a look and turned.

"Uh, I just have to go home and get something," Cartman said in attempts of sounding like nothing was wrong.

"You don't have the stuff do you Cartman?" Kyle nearly yelled.

Cartman sped off towards his house before they could say anything more.

* * *

While Cartman went home to get the things he'd forgotten, Butters, Kyle, Pip and Stan headed for Butters' house. They went there as quickly as they could and went down into the basement. Butters informed his parents that they weren't to come downstairs and they agreed, though with much apprehension. They warned that if he was doing something bad he'd be getting a grounding. When the four boys opened the coffin, they quickly shut it before even getting a glimpse at Mike's dead body.

"Whoa! That reeks!" Stan held his hand over his nose and backed away. He was also resisting vomiting all over the basement floor, and quite surprised that he was doing this 'resisting' so well.

"No kidding! We'll have to bring him back to life while he's still in there then." Kyle nodded in agreement, having backed up to stand beside his friend.

"So we have to wait for Cartman now," Butters said.

"Yup, hopefully that fat ass will get here soon," Kyle confirmed.

They all heard the sound of the doorbell chiming and Butters raced up the stairs so he'd get there before his parents. He didn't open the door at first he just put his ear to it and called through its thick wood.

"Who's there?" Butters called.

"It's me, I've got the stuff." Cartman's voice came through the door, but Butters didn't seem to recognize it.

"What?" he asked, wondering who it could be.

"It's me, Cartman," Cartman nearly yelled at him.

"Cartman?" Butters asked.

"Yah, it's me. Open up, I've got the stuff. I think someone might have seen me," Cartman was getting pissed now.

"Cartman's not here," Butters called through the door, turning to leave.

"God damn it! I'm Cartman!" Cartman screamed, banging on the door with his fat fists.

"Oh!" Butters quickly opened the door to find Cartman red in the face from both anger and yelling.

They made their way down the stairs and into the basement where they found the other three waiting. They all stood upon their arrival, giving them questioning looks.

"What took yah so long?" Stan asked.

"The dip shit wouldn't open the door!" Cartman scowled, glaring menacingly at Butters.

"Alright, let's just get this done and over with." Kyle sighed, knowing that this could end up in a big fight.

Cartman pulled a big book out of his backpack and laid it down on the ground in front of them. They all sat in a circle and began looking through the pages to see if they could find what they were looking for. They figured it wouldn't be too hard to do, especially since Cartman said that what they needed was in the book.

"Cartman, what is this book anyway?" Stan asked, giving the contents of the pages a weird look.

"It's a spell book," Cartman told him.

"Where'd you find a spell book?" Kyle found this odd.

"In the school library," Cartman told them.

They didn't question that, because none of them had even been in there before. They just assumed that Cartman was telling the truth, not that it really mattered anyway. They got the proper ingredients and mixed them together in a pot that Butters had retrieved from the kitchen upstairs, as per the books instructions. When they had all the ingredients mixed together, they followed the instructions and poured it on the body. But they more or less threw the substance into the coffin, so they wouldn't have to face the smell. They waited a moment, but nothing was happening.

"Well, what now?" Pip asked.

"Cartman, your faggy spell book didn't work!" Kyle shouted.

"Ay! You will respect my authority!" Cartman shouted back, but when he said authority, it sounded more like 'authoritay'.

Just then, the coffin began to shake violently and crack open some more. The wood splintered and flew in every direction, causing the boys to run for cover behind the washer and dryer. When the shaking stopped and the splintering wood stopped flying, they peered out from behind their hiding spot. They couldn't believe their eyes from what they saw there.

"Oh my god!" Stan began.

"It worked!" Kyle continued.

They all jumped around in celebration of their victory, totally forgetting about the corpse standing before them. Mike's corpse looked around the room and then back to the celebrating bunch. He saw Pip and Butters first, jumping around together and laughing.

"What are those fags doing here?" Mike questioned irritably. It was as if he didn't even realize he'd died.

"Huh?" they all stopped and turned to face him now. He looked exactly like he did before he died. The skin had regenerated on his bones, though that was impossible. It had something to do with the magic spell book, they supposed.

"What are they doing here?" Mike repeated, though using different words.

"We're working on a school project," Pip told him.

"What kind of project?" Mike asked. "The study of retards?"

"No, you're the school project," Kyle said.

"Yeah, we brought you back to life" Cartman told him.

"Back to life?" Mike was confused. "I was dead?"

"Yup. You got hit by a bus." Stan nodded.

"So you brought me back to life for the sake of a school project?" Mike seemed appalled by this idea.

"Well, yeah." Stan shrugged.

"No matter." Mike sighed after a moment of silence. "I will carry out my previous plans now. I will destroy South Park!"

"What!" Stan yelled.

"No way dude!" Kyle told him.

"It's your fault for bringing me back!" Mike told them. They should have been expecting that. He could recall telling them that this was his plan before.

"He has a point, fellas," Butters said.

"Shut up, Butters!" all but Pip said at the same time.

"You can't destroy South Park!" Kyle said.

"Oh really? Just watch me!" Mike declared confidently.

"I'll stop you!" Butters said, somehow suddenly having his super villain costume on.

"Butters, what the hell are you doing?" Stan and the rest of them looked at Butters as if he was crazy.

"I'm going to save South Park!" Butters said, taking his evil villain pose.

"Are you on crack?" Kyle asked the obviously retarded boy.

"No way, fellas! I'm going to stop Mike from destroying our beloved town!" Butters ran at Mike to attack him, and Mike began to run away from him.

"Get this freak away from me!" Mike shouted, looking back at Butters and panting immensely, even from the short amount of running. But as he did this, he ran into a wall. His body shattered into a million pieces, landing on the ground with no noise.

"What the hell?" Kyle said, watching as the pieces formed into the bones that would have been in the coffin.

"The spell must have been broken." Stan thought that that was probably the case.

"Damn it, now what are we going to do!" Cartman shouted.

* * *

"You boys each get an F. You're story was idiotic and completely made up. So I give you an F not only for Fail, but also for Fucked up and Fucktards," Mr. Garrison told the five of them as they sat in their desks groaning in irritation. "You are expected to complete another project by tomorrow, and then maybe I'll raise your grades. Otherwise, it stays at F."

"This is what we get for working with Pip and Butters," Cartman sneered as the hatred seethed from not only his voice but his facial expression. The others, excepting Butters, were giving similar looks.

Pip stood by the group that he would be doing the project again. "Oh jolly good!"


	4. Episode 4:Lord of the Shithawks

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 4: Lord of the Shithawks_

"This is your classroom, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey led the new student down the hall to Mr. Garrison's classroom. All the while he was pondering to himself that there seemed to be quite a few new students this year in Mr. Garrison's class. So far it had only, in-fact, been two, but he wondered if there would be more all the same. It was rare that South Park receive any newbies at all.

"Right." The young boy nodded, waiting for this teacher with the weird speech patterns to go away.

"Just go in, m'kay? They won't bite." Mr. Mackey opened the door for him and shoved the boy forward before slamming the door shut behind him. The councilor with the large cranium ran down the hall before anything could happen as he had a sneaking suspicion that Mr. Garrison would not like the idea of another newcomer.

Mr. Garrison and the rest of the class looked over at the new student standing idly by the door like a deer caught in the headlights. The whole class gave him a questioning look before Cartman had to open his big fat mouth.

"Who the hell is that?" he said suddenly, causing Mr. Garrison to look over at him.

"Yes, who the hell are you?" Mr. Garrison looked back at the student.

"I'm the new student, Mr. Garrison," they replied, anxiously watching the eyes that stared at him.

"New student, what the? Oh, right! I forgot that you were coming. Go sit in that empty desk." Mr. Garrison suddenly realized why the extra desk had been put into the classroom that morning. He hadn't been able to figure it out until now. "Okay, children. I believe the new student's name is Ryan. Now let's continue on with my thoughts on the presidential elections."

"Another new kid? Do you suppose he'll end up like Mike?" Stan leaned over and whispered to Kyle and Cartman.

"I don't know you guys, it's a possibility." Kyle shrugged, as did Cartman.

"Who's Mike?" Ryan leaned in and listened to their conversation.

"Ah!" the three of the jumped startled by the sudden presence of the other child.

"Are my thoughts boring you boys?" Mr. Garrison stopped and glared at them.

"No!" Kyle said quickly and the others agreed in nod.

"Well then, shall we continue?" Mr. Garrison said, receiving nods from everyone.

* * *

"Hello children." 

"Hey Chef," the three of them replied while grabbing their trays.

"I hear there's a new student in your class again. What ever happened to that Mike fellow?" Chef asked them, thinking for a moment.

"He died, remember, Chef?" Stan inquired, giving the large black man an odd look.

"Oh, right. Well, who is this new student?"

"I'm the new student." Ryan's voice said from behind them.

"Ah!" the three boys jumped again, an enraged Cartman turning to face him.

"God damn it stop doing that!" he shouted in Ryan's face.

"What's you name?" Chef questioned as if Cartman hadn't caused any commotion at all.

"I'm Ryan," he replied.

"Well children, best be watching out for them Shithawks that are flying around outside. They look like they're ready to attack!" Chef warned. "Now move along, you're holding up the line… again."

Before they could even ask what a Shithawk was, they were beckoned to go forward and had no other choice. The children behind them began to push them out of the little serving section of the lunchroom. The three boys, followed closely by Ryan, moved out of the line and went to find a table.

"Can I sit with you guys?" Ryan asked the group, holding his lunch tray in his hands the whole while. He didn't really know anyone, but these three seemed rather friendly. To him anyway…

"Like hell you can!" Cartman snapped, pissed at this child already.

"Oh cheery-oh!" Pip's high-pitched voice rang out as a warning and then he, Butters and Tweak all sat down around them.

"Damn it you guys, get the hell away from us!" Kyle spat, wanting all four of them to leave.

"But this is the only table left that will allow us to sit here," Pip said, not really making any sense at all. The tables were allowing people to sit there? Of course that's not what he meant, but that's what it sounded like.

"You can't sit here!" Cartman shouted and then added on his classic, "You will respect my authoritay!"

No matter how much they protested against it, Kyle, Stan and Cartman were stuck sitting with, not only, Pip, Butters and Tweak, but also Ryan. The four other boys they dubbed losers seemed to be getting along quite fine, and the three others tried to make their get away.

"Where are yah going, fellas?" Butters asked, noticing their trying to leave.

"Um, nowhere," Stan couldn't think of anything else to say, thus trapping them their further. So, instead of getting up like they were, they all just sat back down and endured the presence of the others they so greatly detested.

"So, Ryan, where are you from?" Pip asked.

"I'm originally from Scotland, but I moved to Canada," Ryan explained.

"Did you play the gay-ass bagpipes?" Cartman asked sarcastically. He didn't expect the answer he was about to receive at all.

"Actually, I do play the bagpipes." Ryan replied with a nod. He seemed rather proud of this, a grin showing on his face. In truth, he was quite proud of this, finding it a unique instrument to play.

"What the hell? Bagpipes? You can't be serious dude!" Kyle laughed.

"Well, I am," Ryan told him, but only received more laughter from Kyle and Stan and Cartman who had decided to join in the big hoo-hah. Ryan's expression grew dark, and suddenly he let out the weirdest noise any of them had ever heard. It sounded like a cross between a scream and a yell, if that were possible.

Their laughter ceased, wondering what the hell had just happened. Then followed a great rumbling noise and the doors to the cafeteria burst open, as well as any windows that were in there. Seagulls came flying into the room, shitting on random people as they flew. A group of them charged at Stan, Kyle and Cartman, who quickly hid under a table for safety. The rest of the students screamed and ran out of the cafeteria before anything else happened to them.

"Oh my god! We're going to die!" Tweak yelled, also hiding under another table before scampering out of the room. He was followed by Butters and Pip, but the others just couldn't make it out. The flapping of the birds' wings began to stop, but they surrounded the table.

"What the hell's going on!" Stan demanded, looking out from under the table.

All the seagulls surrounded their table and were also scattered around the floor. From what they could see, there was only one other person in the cafeteria with them. Ryan stood now, right in front of where he had been sitting and some of the seagulls were perched on his shoulders and one was on his head. They didn't shit on him or try to attack him. They just sat their motionless. Ryan's eyes had grown dark with rage and the angered look still remained on his face.

"Holy shit, what was all that about!" Kyle shouted to him, but the boy only shook his head before heading for the door.

They peeked out from under the bench to see Ryan walking out the cafeteria doors, the seagulls parting and making way for him to get through.

The boys were completely perplexed by what had just happened and wondered why the seagulls didn't attack Ryan. Hell, they were wondering why the seagulls didn't do more than bust down the windows and doors of the cafeteria. Whatever the hell just happened… holy shit it was weird…

* * *

"There have been numerous attacks from seagulls around South Park today, the most recent being an elderly man walking home after getting groceries. Thank god he wasn't driving, but that's not the issue at hand. He is now in the hospital and he had this to say," the news guy said as the screen popped up with an old man in a hospital bed. 

"Those damned birds! They attacked me outta nowhere! They shit on me and took my groceries! Worst of all, I can't play bingo tonight!" the old man shook his fist at the screen. His haggard voice cracked a few times as he said this, throwing him into a coughing fit afterwards, but he continued to shake his fist all the same.

"There you have it. The mayor has said that this issue will be resolved by our local hunters Jimbo and Ned. This is what they had to say about the situation."

"We'll get the seagulls, don't you worry," Jimbo began, and the rest of the clip was cut off.

"There you have it," the news guy repeated again, as if that was one of the only lines he knew how to say.

"Wow, I wonder why the birds have suddenly started attacking South Park," Mrs. Broflovski wondered aloud. Even as she did this, her mind was wondering if it was all some sort of conspiracy that she would have to protect her children from.

* * *

"Hey, uncle Jimbo?" Stan asked, following his uncle down the street. Everyone had been instructed to stay indoors until the problem had been resolved. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, however, were disobeying this instruction to go hunting with Jimbo and Ned. 

"Yah, Stan?" Jimbo looked at his nephew. He toted his gun in hand and was clad in his normal hunting attire. There was even a look of excitement in his eyes at the thought of hunting, though they were just stupid birds…

"Why do you think the seagulls are attacking South Park?" Stan asked.

"We know why dumb ass!" Cartman snapped. "It's that stupid Ryan kid!"

"Now Cartman, a person can't control animals," Jimbo told the fat boy, finding his notion completely ridiculous.

"Well, maybe Ryan's not a human at all. He made the weirdest noise ever, and it definitely didn't sound human!" Kyle agreed with Cartman on this one.

"Mmm, it's coming right for us," Ned said through his microphone, which somewhat distorted his voice. He'd seen what he thought was a seagull all of a sudden, and of course expected Jimbo to take care of it.

BAM! Jimbo pulled the trigger and the bird fell to the ground. They all rushed over and circled around it to see if they got it.

"It's not even a seagull!" Jimbo said, disappointed.

They just left the bird there and moved on. After a while, they came across so many birds they'd lost count, however, none of them had been seagulls. They decided to head back home for a while and try again the next day.

"Hey! There's Ryan!" Kyle shouted, pointing at the boy walking down the street.

Ryan stopped upon hearing his name called and then called out the same noise he had in the cafeteria. The sound of flapping wings came quickly and pretty soon all the seagulls surrounded them once again. Ryan glared at the group as they all backed closer together as to try and escape the seagulls. The seagulls stared up at them with their beady red eyes and made the same noises as Ryan had made, jumping around and pecking at their feet.

"I told you it was that freak!" Cartman shouted at his disbelieving friends and the two hunters.

"Mmm, we're trapped," Ned said through his microphone again.

"Damn right you're trapped. Serves you people right too! How dare you! Who do you think you are! You just can't go around and insult the Lord of the Shithawks!" Ryan told them, pacing in front of their group.

"Who's the Lord of the Shithawks?" Kyle asked, not really understanding.

"I am you shit head!" Ryan told them.

"You will respect my authoritay!" Cartman tried to sound all tough, but the seagulls only attacked him more. "Get your god damn birds off me, bagpipe boy!"

"Shut up you fat ass!" Ryan shouted some more.

"How are we going to get out of this you guys?" Kyle whispered to Stan and Cartman.

"I have no idea! We're in big trouble!" Stan said frantically.

"I have an idea!" Jimbo suddenly pointed the gun at Ryan. "It's coming right for us!" he shouted before pulling the trigger.

The bullet flew in Ryan's direction, but never reached him. A seagull jumped in the way of the bullet to block it, but Jimbo didn't give up. He continued doing the same thing until every last seagull was on the ground dead and there was only Ryan left, but there was no need to shoot him now. Jimbo was about to shoot another bullet, but stopped when Ryan began to have a spasm. They all stared as he did and he just suddenly exploded, spraying his blood and guts everywhere.

The street was full of dead seagulls and the remains of their Lord and Master, Ryan. They all let out a sigh of relief and then headed home as if the situation didn't faze them at all. Pah, they'd just killed tons of seagulls and a child-potential-seagull-crossbreed-or-something-of-the-likes. Nothing to be fazed by there. No.

No one knew who actually did the cleaning up, but the dead bodies weren't on the street the next day, thus enabling people to come out of their homes once again. Everyone seemed relieved that the seagulls were all gone though.

"The mayor is pleased to announce that Jimbo and Ned have taken care of the Seagull problem and it is safe to walk the streets again!" the news guy said happily. "Officer Barbrady had this to say."

"Um, it's good that the um, seagulls are gone!" the weird police officer stated.

* * *

"Hello children!" 

"Hey Chef!" the three boys said in reply.

"I told you those Shithawks would be trouble," Chef told the three of them.

"Yeah, who woulda thought that another new kid could cause all this trouble!" Kyle said without thinking.

"Yes, new students are quite deadly, it seems." Chef agreed, thinking about this a moment.

Before Chef could even say, 'move along children, you're holding up the line', the three boys had made their way into the mass of the cafeteria. They saw that all the tables were full except one, and they quickly ran over to it. Damn, they really needed more tables in their cafeteria. They thought that they would have it all to themselves, however, that wish was soon trounced upon.

"Oh no, not again!" Kyle groaned as Pip, Tweak and Butters headed for their bench.

"Hey yah fellas!" Butters said in his normal overly cheerful demeanor.

"Ack! Another evil person trying to take over South Park!" Tweak twitched as he sat down.

"South Park must be becoming pretty popular if so many want to take over," Stan said absentmindedly.

"Damn, someone else is going to get to destroy South Park before I do," Butters spoke to himself, and he didn't realize he'd said that aloud.

"Butters what the hell are you talking about?" Kyle asked him with a great deal of confusion.

"Oh, uh, nothing," Butters said quickly, suddenly rubbing his hands together nervously.

"I just hope that no more freaks come to South Park," Stan said.

"Yeah, no more new students!" Cartman said. "The next student that comes, I'm protesting!"

* * *

"Okay children, we have another new student. Let's hope this one will be more normal than the other two were," Mr. Garrison said, a girl standing at his side. 

Cartman could be heard shouting from all the way down the hall. "God damn it!"

* * *

Credits  
Ryan a.k.a. Lord of the Shithawks: Ryan Bos 


	5. Episode 5:Fight, Damn It

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 5: Fight, Damn it_

"Eric, is there a problem?" Mr. Garrison and the rest of the class stared at the fat boy who'd just shouted as if he was going to kill someone.

"Yeah, I'll tell you the problem! All these god damn new students coming and it always ends up with them trying to destroy or take over South Park! There should be a ban against them!" Cartman shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Eric, you're just going to have to deal with it. I don't think the mayor would put a ban against them coming unless there was a good reasoning behind it," Mr. Garrison said with a sigh, though he kind of agreed that this new student business was getting a little strange. "Anyway class, this is Alice."

They all examined the girl who stood before them. She had on a black hooded sweatshirt that had the hood up and a pair of black jeans. Her strange reddish eyes glowered down upon them for a while before she finally set off towards the empty seat that had once belonged to Mike and Ryan, the two deceased children. She sat down in her seat, resting her feet up on the desk and looking at those around her.

"Looks like you're going to have to put up with me fat ass," Alice laughed at Cartman who was fuming in his seat.

"Alice, don't call Eric fat ass unless it's not during school," Mr. Garrison said. "And feet off the desk."

"Whatever." She shrugged and sat normally in her chair.

"That's it! I'm going on strike!" Cartman growled, getting up to leave. "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

"Eric, sit back down now," Mr. Garrison ordered, but Cartman didn't obey.

"No way!" he said defiantly as he turned the knob to the door.

He flung the door open, only to have it shut again right before his face. He stared at the object blocking his path perplexed, until he heard laughing in the background. He turned to see Alice laughing her head off at what had happened. The rest of the students were looking at her as well by that point. What was so funny, as Cartman was just about to demand?

"Aye! What's so funny?" Cartman demanded in a yelling tone, something that would be called an 'outdoor voice' by teachers of younger children.

"It's starting already!" she continued to laugh. Briefly, she brought her hand up to wipe her watering eyes, but the laughter continued anyway.

"What's starting?" Kyle asked cautiously. This was beginning to sound bad, really bad.

"No matter where I go, they follow," she told them as she calmed herself. She seemed so terribly nonchalant about being followed, too.

"Who are they?" Stan asked, not having the foggiest of ideas as to what she could mean.

"The dead souls." She just laughed some more now as their expressions fell in shock.

"Alice, are you insane?" Mr. Garrison demanded.

"Could be." She shrugged and finally stopped laughing. They all continued to stare at her confused and questioning her sanity.

"Eric, sit back down before I call Principal Victoria," Mr. Garrison threatened after an exasperated sigh escaped him.

"Damn it." Cartman growled before sitting back down.

"So Alice, where do you come from? France, Scotland, China maybe?" Mr. Garrison questioned.

"Actually, I'm from Alaska," she told them proudly. "It's much colder there than it is here."

"Fascinating," Mr. Garrison spoke in an un-amused voice. "Will you be leaving or dying in the near future like the others have?"

"The others? Oh you mean Ryan and Mike. Probably not," she replied simply.

"You know Ryan and Mike?" Stan asked, surprised by this information.

"Yeah, they're the reason I'm here!" Alice told him.

"The reason you're here? What are they going to come back to life again?" Butters asked nervously. He didn't want either of those nutcases coming back to life.

"Could be." Her red eyes flickered suspiciously.

"Chef, there's another new kid!" Cartman complained to the black man behind the food counter.

"Another one? How odd." Chef was growing very suspicious of all these new students coming to South Park and then disappearing after only a day.

"Why can't they just stay where ever the hell they come from?!" Cartman shouted.

"I think you need to calm down fat ass," a voice said.

"Aye! Shut up Jew!" Cartman said, thinking it was Kyle. Though, he realized after a second that it hadn't sounded like Kyle at all. No… it sounded like…

"Jew? Me? I think not," Alice scoffed at the fat child's idiocy.

"You! Go away!" Cartman shouted at her. He pointed aggressively at the same time, waving his finger in her direction even, as if it would make her vanish.

"Why don't you make me, fat ass!" Alice growled threateningly.

"I will if I have to!" Cartman yelled.

"Hah! You wish!" Alice laughed lightly and then just watched, like the rest of them did, as Cartman got thrown into a wall by an invisible force. "Told you the dead souls follow me. Or maybe that one was your dead friend living within you. I don't know, and I don't care."

"You're crazy!" Cartman said, getting up off the floor and walking back over to her. He rubbed the back of his head a bit as it hurt from being thrashed against the wall. Whatever the fuck was going on, he certainly didn't like it at all.

"Really? That's nice." Alice walked away without even grabbing a lunch tray.

"That is one weird girl," Kyle said, though really laughing inside from seeing Cartman flying into the wall.

"Yeah, really weird," Stan agreed.

"I'll kill that new kid!" Cartman spat, red in the face from anger and yelling.

"Now, Eric, don't do anything stupid," Chef warned, wondering what was with that new kid. That was definitely not normal what just happened, so he was growing more curious by the minute.

Alice wandered around the schoolyard while the others were inside gulping down their lunches. The snow crunched beneath her shoes and the cold wind blew down her hood to reveal shoulder length black hair. She looked up at the sky, seeing three birds flying in her direction. One was a seagull, which landed on the ground in front of her and hopped around a little. The second was a pigeon, which made to stay away from the other bird in its presence and stayed still at her side. The third and final bird was a crow, which landed on her outstretched arm. She stroked the crow absently as it sat on her arm and called out.

"What the?" Cartman watched her from the bushes not far off and was confused by the sight before him. He remembered Ryan and his seagulls, but the pigeon and the crow? He had no clue what to think.

From what Cartman could see, she was conversing with these birds and what was worse was that they seemed to be responding! He knew now that this kid was nuts and he was willing to do anything to get rid of her. This wouldn't end up like that Ryan kid and it certainly wasn't going to be like Mike who impersonated a French person claiming to be his cousin. No, he would kill her off, but in a unique and pretty much old-fashioned way. And he would make sure that she didn't come back.

He suddenly felt himself being picked up off the ground, wondering how that was even possible with his 'big bones'. He was being carried in the direction of Alice, despite his rather loud protests. He flailed his arms around and kicked his stubby legs vigorously at the invisible people carrying him towards the strange girl, but yet they wouldn't let go and he didn't make contact with them even once.

Alice turned at the sound of the fat boy's shouting, as did the three birds around her. A smirk appeared on her face, and it was one of pure amusement. She began laughing and the forces dropped Cartman on the ground causing a pile of snow to fly into the air. The birds seemed to join Alice in her laughter, calling out in their bird voices. The seagull squawked loudly, the pigeon just made its strange pigeon noises and the crow cawed while flapping its wings up and down without taking air.

"I told you that they follow me," she repeated as she had in the cafeteria, "but like a fool, you didn't believe me, Eric Cartman."

"What the hell is your problem?!" Cartman demanded, trying to pull himself up out of the rut of snow he'd created.

"I don't have a problem, you do. You are far too obese, kid. And don't give me this big bones bullshit I've been hearing about," Alice snarled, watching his pathetic attempts to rise out of the snow.

"Have you been stalking me?" Cartman wondered, finally getting up.

"Hah, you wish. Do you really think that _anyone_ would want to stalk you? Besides those crazed aliens who put the anal probe up your ass," Alice laughed again; this was becoming interesting.

"Aye! That was a dream! How did you find out about that?!" Cartman couldn't figure out what was going on, and wanted to get to the bottom of it now.

"Oh please, it wasn't a dream and everyone, except you, knows it. Why do you really think that Ryan and Mike came here, huh? To take over South Park sure, but for what reason?" Alice questioned him, knowing that he was already confused beyond all reasoning.

"I don't know! How would I know?!" he had had just about enough of this shit. "Why don't you just get the hell away from South Park before I kick your ass?!" he challenged.

"Come on, you really think you can kick my ass?" Alice found this extensively hilarious. "All right fat ass, you think you can beat me in a fight, then bring it on."

Cartman charged at her, his fist raised in the air aiming to strike. The birds took off into the air and perched in a near-by tree to watch, while Alice just moved aside and stuck out her foot. Cartman naturally tripped over it and fell face first into the snow.

"Is that all you've got? Fight, damn it! Don't be a pussy!" Alice mocked him with such glee in her voice that she sounded like she did, in-fact, belong in a mental hospital.

"Hey! Look what's going on over here!" Wendy shouted as she stepped out onto the playground. Her and all the others kids ran over to the scene that played out before them.

Kyle and Stan pushed their way through the crowd to see Cartman lying face down in the snow. They immediately looked to Alice, who was smiling like a maniac as the fatass began to rise to his feet yet again. The two didn't know whether to laugh at what appeared to be Cartman getting beaten by a girl or whether to be afraid that he was being beaten by a girl. Cause this girl was definitely freaking the shit out of all of them.

"You're going to pay for that!" the large boy shouted categorically, charging for her again. He didn't even make it to her this time, slipping on some black ice that seemed to suddenly have appeared under his feet. He fell to the ground yet again with a rumble, cracking the black ice and making more snow fly around.

"You're pathetic, Cartman. Don't quit your day job of eating," Alice taunted as the birds flew back over to her. The seagull and pigeon rested on her shoulders and the crow on her arm.

By this time, everyone was staring at her, not giving two shits about Cartman. They were completely confused and frightened by this child, but also noticed the same thing Cartman had. The seagull. That was the bird that had come with Ryan, but hadn't they all been killed off? And what about those other two birds? What the hell were they doing there?

"I will return." Alice started to walk away, only to feel someone grabbing her ankle.

"No way! You're not getting away that easily!" Cartman growled from at her feet. His mitten clad hands clung to the leg of her pants around her ankle the best he could. Damn it hurt to continuously fall to the ground, but he wasn't giving up just yet.

"Get the fuck away from me," she snarled, kicking him in the face.

A surprise to them all was that the kick was powerful enough to send him flying towards the crowd. They all screamed, dispersing immediately. They wouldn't be caught having that load of fat falling on them even if their lives depended on it.

"Aye! Why didn't you catch me?!" Cartman demanded of Kyle and Stan when they approached him. He stared off in the direction that Alice went, but didn't see her.

"Are you kidding?! We'd die if we tried to do that!" Kyle shouted at him.

"Shut your fucking mouth, Jew!" Cartman spat.

"Go to hell, Cartman!" Kyle shouted back for once.

"Jews first!" Cartman shouted, sitting up and giving the polite hand motion that indicated one was letting another go before them.

"Hey, you guys, stop fighting!" Butters came over to them.

"Did you guys notice the birds?" Pip asked, joining them.

"Of course!" Stan said, almost angered by the stupid question.

"Do you guys think that she's going to try and take over South Park, too?!" Tweak had a fit beside Butters at the mere thought of more freakish people trying to hurt him… oh… and his town. Yeah, that was important, too…

"If she does, we're just going to have to stop her!" Cartman shouted loudly.

"Yeah, enough with these damn new students coming and taking over or destroying South Park, or whatever the hell they're trying to do!" Stan agreed with him.

"Then it's a plan, right guys!" Kyle said to all five of the others.

"Right!" they all said in sync, except Cartman.

"Damn straight you fuckin' Jew!" he said afterwards, causing Kyle to glare at him menacingly.

_**To be continued...**_


	6. Episode 6:I Want To Kill Them

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 6: I Want To Kill Them_

"Get out of your graves, you lazy sons of bitches!" Alice ordered to the two boys lying in their coffins.

"Nah-ah, the last time I got out of here, that freak Butters chased me into a wall and I died again," Mike complained, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Well this time you won't die so easily!" Alice snapped, and then looked to Ryan. "And what's your excuse?"

"They killed my seagulls!" Ryan looked like he was about to cry his eyes out.

"You're whining about that? Holy shit, do you know how many of those stupid ass birds are out there? There's billions! You just have to call them!" Alice kicked Ryan's coffin. "Now get out of there!"

Reluctantly, both boys climbed out of the wooden casings that had held their bones and whatever else was left of them. Alice had raised the dead, just as Cartman, Butters, Pip, Kyle and Stan had done before. This time it would be different though. There would be no one dying, so they would be able to attack full on and get rid of all the South Parkians. That was the plan, anyway.

Once standing up right, the two boys looked at the birds on Alice's shoulders. The seagull naturally flew over to Ryan, landing on his head and making him look like more of an idiot than he already was. The pigeon traveled over and sat on Mike's shoulder, making its pigeon noises in his ear. The crow remained with Alice, but now climbed up to sit on her shoulder.

"All right, so you guys know the plan right?" Alice demanded, glaring at them in a manner that just dared them to answer incorrectly.

"Uh, no," Ryan whimpered, instantly hiding behind Mike. Finding a human — undead human in this case — shield was something Ryan did, particularly when threatened...

"You idiot! You're worse than Butters, Pip and Tweak put together!" Alice growled, rubbing her temples absently and then looked up at Ryan again. "Fine, I'll go through this _one _more time, got it!"

Ryan nodded frantically and paid close attention this time.

* * *

"Okay you guys, let's go over what we know about these new students," Kyle said to the group as they sat in Butter's basement once again.

"Who the hell died and made the Jew the king?" Cartman snorted, thinking that the Jew would get them nowhere if he did the planning.

"Cartman just shut up for once. We have to concentrate on saving South Park," Stan snapped, glaring at Cartman in a death like manner.

"Fine!" Cartman crossed his arms and pretended as though he was super pissed off. Well, he really was pissed off, but he was more intent on setting that anger off on the new kids.

"Well, uh, both that Ryan kid and Mike died," Butters said, sitting there in his costume.

"Butters, what the hell is that and why are you wearing it!" Stan asked suddenly. He recognized the costume from before, but it had still gone unexplained.

"It's my, uh, super villain costume." Butters wondered if he should be revealing his secret identity to these guys. Yeah, it was okay. He could trust them seeing as they were his friends, right?

"Whatever Butters." Stan rolled his eyes; that was the most ridiculous thing he'd heard in a while, that was for sure.

"Yeah, so both of them died. What else?" Kyle asked, looking to all of them for answers, continuing where they left off.

"I saw that crazy bitch talking to birds," Cartman told them in a very informative voice.

"Birds? Oh yeah, the seagull, the pigeon and the crow right?" Kyle said, receiving a nod from Cartman.

"So we can guess that the seagull belongs to Ryan, right chaps?" Pip put in his two cents; of course no one wanted them.

"Right, but what about the other two?" Butters asked.

"Ack, maybe they belong to Alice and Mike," Tweak said while holding a coffee cup in his shaking hands. A few times he almost spilled it all over his hands, which would of course burn him, but he was so used to his spasms by then that he could do it without spilling a drop.

"Yeah! That sounds like it could be right, Tweak!" Stan looked at the spazzoid with a look of agreement.

"R-really?" Tweak wondered if Stan was just being sarcastic, but then again it didn't sound like it.

"Yeah, but which bird belongs to Mike and which bird belongs to Alice?" Pip asked Kyle, considering he seemed to be the brains of the operation.

"Cartman, which bird was she talking to the most?" Kyle turned to Cartman, hoping that the fat ass hadn't forgotten.

"The crow. She seemed to be talking with the crow a lot more than the other two," Cartman said after a moment of thought.

"Okay, so if the crow belongs to her, then the pigeon is Mike's. What I don't get is why they have faggy birds," Stan said.

"Yeah really," Kyle nodded in complete agreement with his friend.

"Uh, fellas, remember how the seagulls attacked when Ryan made that weird sound?" Butters said in a timid voice, as if afraid to be wrong.

"Yeah," they all replied vocally or through nodding.

"Well, what if they use them as like weapons of some sort, yah know?" Butters eyes darted back and forth between Cartman, Kyle and Stan. Those were the three he was afraid of the most. Pip and Tweak didn't attempt to hurt him at all, ever.

"You know what, he could be right," Stan spoke in a perplexed tone. Maybe those three were getting smarter?

"Since when did retards get brains?" Cartman snorted, pissed off that he hadn't been the one to think of it. He was far more intelligent than those losers, especially Butters, Tweak and Pip.

"Boys!" Butters' mom called down to the basement.

"Ah!" Tweak jumped, spilling his coffee all over himself and scalding his skin. "Ah!" he screamed in pain. Sure he was used to his normal spasms, but having the shit scared out of him was another story.

"What is it ma?" Butters asked, looking up the stairs and ignoring the screaming child, he was too busy eyeing Cartman warily, for he looked mildly pissed off.

"Do you boys want a snack?" she asked, looking at them all just sitting around, well, except for Tweak and Butters now.

"No, that's…" Butters began.

"Yes!" Cartman was now on his feet and he pushed Butters aside. The look of irritation vanished the moment food was mentioned.

Butters and Tweak collided and fell to the ground. Both tried to get up, but only resulted in smacking their skulls together and falling down again.

"Okay," Mrs. Stotch went to the kitchen to prepare snacks for them, closing the basement door behind her.

"Hey, Butters? Is Cartman's cookbook, I mean magic book still down here?" Kyle suddenly thought of something.

"Uh, I think so, why?" Butters and Tweak finally managed to stand up straight without killing each other.

"What if we used one of those gay spells to fight them off?" Kyle said, looking at them all.

"Aye! Shut up Jew! The spells aren't gay!" Cartman snapped.

"Oh jolly good! I found it!" Pip cheered victoriously after a moment of looking for it.

"Found what?" they all turned to look at him.

"Why, the spell book, of course!" Pip smiled, showing them his find.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Stotch was busy getting some Cheesy Poufs and something to drink for her guests down stairs. She had on the radio and was listening to some music, but it was suddenly overrun by this terrible noise. It sounded like something dying and was almost at a deafening pitch. When the sound was gone, the radio was making a report.

"The birds have returned!" the panicky voice shouted through the radio. "The seagulls and now pigeons and crows are attacking South Park! Don't go outside! Ah!" the radio person could be heard being ripped apart on the other end of the radio.

"What the?" Mrs. Stotch suddenly heard the doorbell ring and went to answer it. "Hello?"

She opened the door to see three children standing there. One with a seagull on his head, another with a pigeon on his shoulder and the third with a crow on her shoulder. The female stood in the center of the two boys and smirked up at the woman standing before her.

"Oh, those dreadful birds have got you!" Mrs. Stotch said in concern, hoping that she could help the children.

"Dear lord, no. They haven't got us, we've got them," Alice laughed maniacally.

"What?" she said and was then pushed aside into a wall, becoming unconscious immediately.

"What's going on, who's there?" Mr. Stotch came into the room, looking at his unconscious wife on the floor. He looked over at the pigeon and it made a cooing sound, but it seemed to be maximized. "Ah!" Butters' father covered his ears and fell to the floor, trying to block out the deafening sound.

"All right guys, let's get the pip squeaks," Alice instructed, entering the house further and heading for the basement door.

In the basement they heard nothing. They were too busy planning their counter attack and somehow the basement door soundproofed the outside world. They heard the door open to the basement and thought it was Butters' mom coming to give them their snacks. They were about to say that she could just leave it there at the top of the steps, but when they turned and saw Ryan, Mike and Alice the gasped.

"Ack! It's them!" Tweak ran and his behind Cartman.

"Get the hell away from me you retard!" Cartman pushed Tweak away and glared at the three of them. "You get the hell away, too!"

"Arg, I thought we went through this already, fat ass. We're not leaving!" Alice sighed in exasperation and her crow cawed.

"Cartman, use the spell!" Kyle yelled and Cartman opened the book as fast as he could to the appropriate page. He began saying something in a strange language (sounded more like gibberish, really) and a blur of black formed in front of him. Upon saying the last word, the attack launched towards the three standing at the top of the steps.

"Ah!" Ryan jumped and hid behind Mike, peering out over his shoulder.

"You idiot, this is nothing," Mike told Ryan with a glare.

Alice looked at the attack and her eyes glowed pure white. The attack deflected back towards the six boys and they all screamed and ran out of the way. The attack crashed into the ground and left a crater in the concrete of the basement floor. They all stared at it in awe and then looked up at Alice who stood there with her hands on her hips looking at them with a look of amusement.

"You really though that that would be rid of us didn't you? That's sad. You can't beat my evil powers!" Alice laughed and was joined in by Mike and Ryan, but she stopped instantly as they started and turned to look at them. "Shut up, faggots!" They fell silent.

"What the hell are you?" Kyle demanded, glaring up at them.

"We are the Lady and Lords of the birds. In case you people are too stupid to notice, we each have a bird," Alice replied, looking back at the pathetic bunch of six.

"No shit!" Cartman shouted up at her, only to be thrown backwards.

"Tisk, tisk. You pissed off the dead ones. Bad Cartman, bad." Alice shook her finger mockingly at him.

"If you little shits have any guts you come up here and outside to face us," Mike told them.

"Yeah, it's the six of you against all of us," Ryan added, his seagull screeching on his head.

"How do we know that there aren't more of you freaks up there!" Stan demanded.

"Fine then, South Park doesn't stand a chance," Alice turned and left, followed by Mike and Ryan.

"You guys, we have no choice," Kyle said shakily, not liking this idea anymore.

"We have to save South Park!" Butters said confidently, but yet he was still full of anxiety.

"Oh jolly good!" Pip said, clapping his hands together.

Outside, the three of them waited with their birds for the group of six to come out. They looked bored and were readying to attack at anytime. Whatever the boys were planning couldn't possibly beat them. They were the super villains! Evil ones always set on saying they would beat the bad guys, only to be defeated later! Of course, they planned to not be beaten, but still…

"I'll give them two more minutes, and if they ain't out here, then we start," Alice told the two males near by, each mingling with their own species of birds.

As soon as she said that, the door to Butters' house opened and they all came out. They were all armed with some sort of stupid weapon. Cartman clung onto his spell book like it was his life support. Butters had his costume on still and brought out one of the weapons he'd invented a while back (one that probably wouldn't serve him very well). Kyle brought out the only thing he had with him: his dradle. Tweak had his thermos of coffee with him, clutching it as if he didn't want to use his precious coffee against these people. Stan had taken a baseball bat from in the basement (probably the most sensible weapon there). And finally Pip. He had no weapon. Cartman had insisted that he wouldn't need one.

"What the hell is this? Geeks united? You expect to kill us off with those?" Ryan looked at all their weapons with a pitiful sense in his expression. He called out to his seagulls and they all came flying towards him instantly.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Pip, Tweak and Butters all watched as the birds came flocking in their direction. The seagulls all called out the same noise Ryan had and began shitting all around them. The crap came down the bombs and they scattered, some of them dropping their weapons. Actually, all of them dropped their weapons. When shit landed on their weapons, they disintegrated into nothing.

"Holy, shit! It's toxic!" Stan shouted, and too all their surprises, someone showed up out of nowhere.

"Oh! Y'all love my music video!" Britney Spears arrived on the scene, only to be shit on seconds later. "AH!" she screamed as she was melted into nothing by the toxic shit.

"Finally that bitch is dead!" Alice cheered.

"Oh my god! They killed Britney Spears!" Stan shouted instinctively.

"So what, who the hell cares dude?" Kyle looked at Stan as if he had completely lost his mind.

"Good point," Stan shrugged.

"Our weapons!" Butters shouted, looking at what used to be his 'ultra cool weapon'.

"MY COFFEE!" Tweak shouted and started running around in circles. It seemed he was already having withdrawals.

"Shit, what are we going to do now?" Stan wondered aloud.

The seagulls all landed on the ground, not even being burned by their own shit. Suddenly, a whole wave of pigeons flew out of nowhere, cooing the same way that Mike's had. The sound was deafening and all of them were forced to cover their ears. They couldn't stand the noise, but lucky for them it didn't last. Or maybe it was unlucky considering the next attack was a sea of crows with their talons outstretched. The boys cowered in fear and the birds just missed them.

"Oh, this is not jolly good," Pip cowered under his own hands.

"Hey, Pip. Why don't you tell them about England, or wherever the hell you're from?" Cartman suggested, looking over at the English boy. Yes… Pip could potentially be their greatest weapon, so why not use him?

"Okay!" Pip said enthusiastically and jumped up and walked over to the three others. The pigeons and seagulls moved out of the way as he walked towards them. "I shall tell you of the joys of England. Such a quaint place, t'is. You really should visit sometime! You'd really enjoy yourself!" Pip told them as if he was some tour guide person or maybe some England spokes person.

"Shut the fuck up, England sucks ass," Mike ordered, and didn't even expect what would come next.

"What!" Pip screamed in rage and began to attack them all the same way he'd attacked the dodge ball players. He started pelting stones at them with the same force as he'd thrown a dodge ball.

"Ah, shit! What the hell!" Alice screeched in pain as a stone pelted her in the eye. "Ah! Me eye!"

"No!" Ryan felt a stone pierce right through his heart and he fell dead bleeding profusely.

"Mother fucker!" Mike shouted at Pip as a stone penetrated his skull and killed him, too.

The pigeons and seagulls flew away after their Lords were killed. The crows too flew away, even though Alice still stood. She looked at them with her one eye while the other bled uncontrollably.

"Get back you here you dumb asses!" Alice shouted at her retreating birds.

"England does not suck!" Pip picked up one more stone and threw it right through Alice's throat. This somehow managed to kill her and her body fell to the ground with the other two.

"Yay!" the rest of them came out of their hiding places and jumped around happily. They'd saved South Park!

* * *

The fire burned brightly and all of South Park watched as the three bodies burned to ash. The mayor awarded Pip a medal for killing them off in the end with his precise and skilled stone throwing. Pip merely said his usually 'Jolly Good!', but Cartman would stand to let this slip by.

"Aye! It was my idea for Pip to start telling them about England! I knew they would diss it and then Pip would get super pissed!" Cartman shouted at the mayor.

"Sorry, fat boy. He was the one who killed them in the end." The mayor shrugged and walked away, followed by her two assistants… or whatever the hell they did.

"Haha, fat ass, you didn't get to be the hero!" Kyle taunted with a smile.

"Yeah, and it looks like those guys are gone forever!" Stan said.

"God damn it, bring them back! I want to kill them!" Cartman shouted. "I WANT TO KILL THOSE BITCHES!"

* * *

Credits  
Mike: Mike Bell  
Ryan: Ryan Bos  
Alice: Laura Barton (vaguely) 


	7. Episode 8:Is it Erika or Erikah?

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised. _

* * *

Episode 8: Is it Erika or Erikah? 

Mr. Garrison had been about to take his own life upon hearing that yet another new student was travelling to South Park, but when Principle Victoria mentioned that the student was in a higher class than his own he breathed a sigh of relief. The sixth grade class was where this little hellion was headed, and that's where the little hellion would stay if Mr. Garrison had anything to do with it. It really made him wonder what the reasoning behind all the new students were for there had never been such an extreme wave of students coming and going before. The even stranger thing, all these students didn't seem to survive. It was like a fatal illness struck them every time they came to the little mountain town.

Mr. Garrison greeted his class the following morning in a rather frightening, cheery manner as he entered the room. Many stopped to stare in awe and could only guess that he was going to peg them with some amount of homework or give them a surprise test. A few of them began leafing through their notes quickly to study, well Wendy did anyway. She was probably the only one who did.

"Hello children! Today we will _not_ be having another little _bastard_ join our class and then die!" he almost seemed to be skipping with Mr. Slave following in behind him. It was a frightening scene and many of them had to avert their eyes or risk being scarred for life by the scene of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave skipping so close to one another. He stopped at his desk and look around at his students with a grin, a real grin. Not some sardonic grin or anything like what was normally thrown their way, this was sincere.

"Mr. Garrison, stop that. You're scaring the j-o-o." Cartman pretended to whisper to the teacher.

"Shut up, fat ass, you're just as scared as I am!" Kyle told the fat idiot sitting in the seat next to his.

"Nah-ah! There's no way I'm scared of that Gaylord!" Cartman said, and then realized that he was probably about to die under his teacher's wrath.

"Even your complete stupidity cannot ruin my day, Eric Cartman." Mr. Garrison stopped at his desk and grinned at the class still. "There's another new student, but they will not be joining us. Oh no. They are in the sixth grade and…" he continued on, but the students barely heard what he said.

"Sixth grade? Oh man, I hate those guys!" Stan whispered to Kyle and Cartman, he didn't take his eyes off of Mr. Garrison however, watching him ever so closely as though afraid he would suddenly pop up in front of him. 

"Now we have another one of them to deal with. But I wonder if this new student is actually going to be sane for once." Kyle mused aloud, remembering all the other students who had come to take over or destroy their precious mountain town.

"We can only hope. If this one tries to kill us or anything, I say we sue the school for letting these psychos in." Stan told his two friends.

"I'm with you on that." Cartman nodded, "I'm sick of all these people coming into our town. Maybe we should try to build a wall again."

"Nah, remember the Mongolians? Who says they won't come back?" Stan shook his head slowly.

"That was just because that Chinese freak was building it. If we got someone else to build it…" Cartman suggested, but was suddenly cut off by Kyle.

"You're stupider than I thought. Who in the hell would build a wall around South Park besides Mr. Wok?" Kyle gave Cartman the look that matched his tone of voice. He knew Cartman was stupid, but please, none of the South Park people, in their right minds, would build such a big structure just to cut off outside people. No, it was either Mr. Wok, or no one would.

"We could." Cartman said, "Remember when we started building that ladder to get the ticket from Kenny? If we started building the wall and then made up some good reason to be building it, maybe others will help, too."

"Hey, that actually might work, dudes." Stan thought for a moment. "But what could we say? We want to trap out dead friends' souls within South Park so that we can see them all the time?"

"Kenny's already trapped in that fatasses body, and I don't think they'd even believe that." Kyle shook his head.

"Yah, but they knew all along that we'd never reach Heaven and yet they still wasted money on building that damn ladder for us." Stan recalled the incident with precision, even that stupid singing man who kept singing about the town though just using the lyrics from a previous song.

"Should we just try it anyway?" Kyle sighed in defeat, knowing that Cartman would want to no matter what and if he went out on his own and did it, and proved that his plan worked, Kyle would have to hear about it for a long time to come. He didn't want to deal with that.

"First we have to drive that new student out of town." Stan told them, suddenly noticing that Mr. Garrison was still talking and hadn't seen that they weren't paying any attention.

"Right, how are we going to do that?" Cartman asked.

"Why don't you think of an idea, fatass? The wall was your idea!" Kyle pointed at him and dumped the deed of thinking on the fat child.

"I hate you, Jew." Cartman snarled.

xxx

"Hello, Children." Chef greeted the three boys as usual, but he was almost disappointed when they didn't respond to him at all. He scratched his hat for a moment, like one would scratch their head, in confusion but then merely shrugged. Whatever they were talking about seemed really important.

"We should tell her that everyone who comes here from outside of town dies after a couple of days!" Cartman said as they sat down at the table to eat. That was the only thing he'd been able to think up during the rest of the previous class. It wasn't as if they would be lying.

"Do you really think that would make them go away?" Stan thought about this for a moment, coming to the same deduction as Cartman had: they wouldn't be lying.

The doors to the lunchroom opened and the whole room fell silent. All eyes became focused on the door for even though they hadn't seen who it was yet, but there was a feeling of impending danger suddenly invading the peaceful lunchroom. The grade four students looked at each other out of the corners of their eyes, some whispering in fear and others could only stare at those who'd just entered the room: the sixth graders.

"What the hell, dudes? They never come in here," Stan whispered to his two friends, watching the sixth graders in the same way that he'd watched Mr. Garrison earlier that morning.

"I have no clue, but who's that girl?" Kyle didn't dare point at her for fear that they'd notice.

"Shit man, she must be the new kid that Mr. Garrison was talking about." Cartman said in a breathy voice.

"What are you freaks staring at?!" The new girl was the one to demand an answer. Her eyes seemed to be searching for something with special optic radar or something like that.

"You, bitch." That voice rose above the silence that had formed and all eyes fell upon Cartman. "Damnit, I hate you, Kenny!" he swore at the dead boy who'd possessed his vocal cords once again.

"Who's this fatass?" the girl asked her new friends.

They looked at him for a moment and then one of them declared, "That's one of those shits who had Backdoor Sluts Nine!"

"Backdoor Sluts Nine?!" the girl said, awestruck. "Maybe he's not as stupid as I thought…"

"What do you mean? The little twerp wouldn't share!" another of her friends snapped, recalling the incident with precise detail.

"Cartman, you're going to get it…" Kyle whispered to the motionless boy as he inched away from him as if they had no association with one another.

"What's going on here, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey suddenly entered the room as if he sensed something was wrong with his precious students.

"Nothing, we were just leaving." The new sixth grade girl told the bigheaded councillor before leaving the room with her friends.

"M'kay then." Mr. Mackey also left the lunchroom afterwards and the students began to eat their lunches once again.

"That was too close for comfort." Cartman sighed and then retorted, "It's all your fault, Kenny!"

Cartman could hear the dead child laughing within his mind, the same muffled laugh it had always been, but not he was the only one to ever hear it. Cartman promised himself that he would rid himself of Kenny's soul eventually. Maybe he could get Kenny to transfer into the new student's body.

"No way, fatass!" Cartman's body said, but it was Kenny speaking once again. Apparently he'd heard Cartman's thoughts, which disturbed Cartman. If Kenny could hear his every thought then Kenny knew everything about him. "Kenny! I'm going to kill you! Again!" Cartman was nearly yelling and drew the attention of a few others, but after what'd happened with the sixth graders coming in it seemed that it didn't matter.

xxx

It had been a whole week already and still the new student hadn't vanished, perished or left their town. She seemed immune to whatever it was that brought the sudden death of the others. For instance, no one was ever able to figure out what happened to that anorexic chick, Skinton; she'd just vanished into thin air apparently. The others they knew had died, even if it was multiple times that they did die. But not this time, this time the student didn't disappear.

They'd learned her name was Erika, or was it Erikah? No one had quite figured out the true spelling of it for she seemed to change it with each passing day. Bets seemed to be going around as to how she would spell her name that day, but then again she even seemed to change it multiple times during the day with each new person she saw or each new teacher she encountered. It was ridiculous and pointless really, but all the same she seemed to be just as bad as the other students had been.

She hadn't done anything to Cartman, but she did throw a death glare at him every time they crossed paths. He'd cower in fear and wait until her all mighty-ness had walked on by. She even had the gall to come up to him at lunch one time and steal his second desert! That was the last straw for Eric Cartman. _No one_ touched his deserts!

"Give that back, you whore!" Cartman shouted, trying to jump up and grab his stolen pudding.

"Whore? Those are big words, little man! Wait, you're not that little, just short." She laughed and her friends joined in.

There was no help coming from the other students since no one challenged the sixth graders. Not usually and in their right minds anyway. They could all tell Cartman was super pissed though because he kept on leaping for his pudding and calling her obscene names. Finally though, he stopped jumping and kicked her in the shins and lucky for him that caused her to lower the pudding enough for him to take it back.

"You bastard! That hurt!" Erika took the pink backpack she was carrying (she supposedly hated pink though) and whacked him over the head with it.

Cartman fell over, releasing his pudding from the safety of his hand momentarily, but in that moment, Erika grabbed it back. She laughed, watching the infuriated child get back to his feet, even though he was still a bit dumbstruck from the attack. His hat was over his eyes, hiding any true expression he could give, but as he pushed it back atop his head he glared at her.

"Kyle, give me your fork." He snarled under his breath.

"What?! No way dude!" Both Kyle and Stan didn't think they'd ever seen Cartman this mad before, but it made sense to them. Desert was Cartman's favourite part of the meals he ate, so to take that away from him would be like condemning yourself to severe punishment. No, it wouldn't be _like_ condemning yourself to severe punishment, it _would_ be doing that.

"Kyle! Give me your goddamn fork!"

No one could quite figure out what he was going to do with a fork, so Kyle still refused to give him one. In result of this, Cartman walked over to his own lunch tray and picked up his fork and then pointed the prongs in Erika's direction. A gasp filled the room, as his intentions were made clear, he was going to stab her to death! Or something like that…

"You going to stab me, short-man?" Erika taunted, her friends still laughing at the fourth graders apparent idiocy. Erika waved the pudding just in front of his face, but she didn't know she was too close until it was too late. She screeched at the metal eating utensil pierced through the flesh of her hand and this time she dropped the pudding for good.

Cartman let go of the fork and picked up his pudding once again. He walked back over to the table and sat down to eat it as the rest of the students just stared at him, or at the scene of Erika running to the nurses office. Cartman could be heard muttering phrases such as 'stupid bitch' and 'teach that whore to steal my food' between spoonfuls of his first pudding. The glare was still clear upon his face and he didn't even seem to notice that the others were staring at him. Or maybe he did and he just didn't give a damn.

"Dude, you're dead…" Stan told him, though not sure if he was heard.

xxx

"Eric Cartman! This is the worst thing you've ever done! And all on your own, too! I've called in your mother and I told her what happened. Even she can't believe what you've done and she's as dense as a doornail!" Principle Victoria was yelling at him, continuing to in fact, but Eric Cartman didn't care.

He had his pudding…


	8. Episode 9:The Gothman Prophecies

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

_Episode 9: The Gothman Prophecies_

"Hello, children," Chef greeted his young friends in the same manner he always did. He bore a grin on his face, but when he saw that the boys did not bear the same happy attitude, he wondered what plagued their lives now.

"Hey, Chef," they returned the greeting even with their low dispositions.

"How's it going?" Chef inquired though he already knew, or he thought he knew anyway.

"Bad," they replied, still in unison.

"Why bad?" Finally, now it got to the point in the conversation where he got to listen and find out what was troubling them. It was usually something trivial like the time they got in trouble for swearing.

"There are strange phone calls that keep coming every night and they keep us awake all night." Stan was the one who replied first to this. It was usually either him or Kyle, but Kyle seemed to be zoning out at the moment.

"So you've been getting them, too, huh? I got five in less than ten minutes and I was yelling at them, but they kept calling and saying that I should kill all the white people because blacks reign supreme." Now that he looked at the three boys, they did look like they'd been up all night. "So what'd they tell you?"

"For me, it kept saying that all Jews would die. At first I thought it was Cartman-" Kyle began, suddenly tuning into the conversation.

"Aye!" Cartman protested, but it sounded almost half-heartedly.

"-but then I figured Cartman wouldn't be smart enough to pull something like that." Kyle told them, barely even noticing as Cartman cut him off.

"Dude, for me it said my sister was going to hack me to bits with a machete." Stan said as he thought his was worse, considering that it was more likely, due to his sister's personality of course.

"Well, haha you guys. This creepy person hasn't called me!" Cartman thought himself perhaps the most special person in the world since Kyle, Stan and everyone else (especially Kyle) were getting prank calls from someone they didn't even know.

"Cartman seems to be the only one who hasn't been called yet." Stan added after he let Cartman get in his two cents.

"Well, that's very lucky for you, Eric because this caller is a real pain." Chef started hand-talking, as he tended to do at times, to show that this wasn't to be taken lightly.

"The world loves me, that's why they don't even bother with me. Either that or they know I'll smack em down!" Cartman pretended to smack someone and then continued, "And then when I smacked em, I'd say, that's enough of your shit, you fucking bitch!"

"That sounds familiar…" Kyle mused quietly to himself, thinking that that was nearly the same thing that Cartman had told him to do to his mother when she started M.A.C (**M**others **A**gainst **C**anada).

"Whoa, Eric, none of that language. You know what happened last time you started swearing like that." Chef warned, not really noticing as the lunch line started to get impatient with the wait.

"Yah, I kicked Saddam Hussein's ass!" Cartman finally took the tray from the counter now, signalling that he was probably going to go somewhere and stuff his fat face with it.

"See yah later, Chef." Stan said as the other two boys grabbed their lunch trays as well and they all left.

"See yah, children." Chef waved slightly before returning to serving the now impatient people waiting for food.

"You guys think that this has anything to do with that new kid?" Stan inquired as they sat at a vacant table.

"What new kid?" Kyle asked, looking alarmed at the thought that someone new was joining the school again.

"Well, that chick that Cartman put his fork through her hand." Stan told Kyle, noting the alarm, but not really understanding it.

"Oh, that girl. I don't know. She doesn't seem like the type who would want to waste time phoning people as a prank." Kyle shrugged and ate whatever the hell was on his plate.

"Yah, besides, she's obviously really dumb because she got stabbed in the hand by Cartman," Kenny's said through Cartman's body and since this happened a lot, the boys merely nodded and didn't think it odd at all.

"Kenny! Shut your goddamn mouth!" Cartman snapped in return, taking the insult.

"Who could it be there?" Stan asked, looking at his friends though he only received shrugs in response.

Suddenly, Butters walked over to them, as he usually did, to start up some conversation or another. Half the time, the three boys barely paid attention to him, but this time, there was some interest in what Butters was saying. Apparently, his family, too, had been called by this prank caller and Butters got in trouble for it.

"This guy phoned my house in the middle of the night and sounded exactly like me! He kept saying things that would get me in serious trouble with my parents and now I'm grounded because they think it was me!" Butters complained.

"Why are you telling us this, Butters?" Cartman asked, clearly bored.

"Because you can sound exactly like me! Just like that time when I had to go to the City Wak when I was supposed to be grounded and you got me in trouble with my parents!" Butters told him, pointing aggressively.

"Oh yah," Cartman reminisced for a moment before falling back to the real world. "It wasn't me this time, Butters. I swear."

"Well," Butters thought for a moment, but then concluded with, "Okay," and walked away.

"So, the prank caller can mimic our voices, according to what Butters just said." Stan told them and they nodded in agreement.

"In Butters's case it was a bad thing, but what about for us?" Kyle questioned, "The caller could probably get me in some serious shit with my mom."

"Same here." Stan was the one to nod now.

"Well," Cartman stretched casually, "since I haven't been called by this prankster, I have nothing to worry about!"

"I bet they're saving you for last, fat boy." Kyle sneered with hatred in his voice. 

"Why would anyone challenge my superior knowledge and strengths? Nope, I think they know they can't beat me, unlike you weak Jews." Cartman told Kyle in response.

"But I'm not a Jew…" Stan told him.

"And Jews aren't weak!" Kyle insisted.

"That's what you think, Kyle, that's what you think. How come you couldn't stand up to Hitler then, hmm?" Cartman challenged.

"I didn't face Hitler! Or I would have!" Kyle shouted in return.

"Sure, sure. Hitler would beat your ass." Cartman chuckled in a way that sounded evil.

"Enough, you guys. This isn't about Hitler! This is about the prank caller!" Stan snapped at both of them, startling them at least a little. "We're going to have to plan against this guy."

"Nah-ah. I'm not in this because I have not been called. Screw you guys, you're on your own." Cartman shook his head and signalled that he would leave if he had to.

"Fine then, fat ass, we'll plan without you." Kyle scoffed.

xxx

Cartman sat on his living room couch eating Cheesy Poufs as he normally did while he was watching Terrance and Phillip. This episode seemed particularly funny, though it was basically the same as all the rest were. All the same, he was sitting there, stuffing his face and laughing his ass off every time the Terrance and Phillip farted for seemingly no particular reason.

All was well in the evening of Eric Cartman, until the phone started to ring. He thought nothing of it, but yelled for his mother to get it. There was no response from her and the phone was annoying him, so he jumped up off the couch and yelled up the stairs to her.

"Mom! Get the goddamn phone!" Cartman shouted at his mother, yet he was up and could have just as easily have got it.

"I'm busy, pumpkin! You'll have to get it!" she called down to him. Who knows what she was doing, but then again one can guess.

"Damn it!" Cartman cursed and headed to the kitchen to get the phone. "I'm coming, damn you!" he told the inanimate object that wouldn't stop ringing. Finally, he was able to answer it after dragging a chair over to the phone so he could reach it, "Who the hell is this and what the hell do you want?! I'm missing Terrance and Phillip for this call, you know!" 

"Hello, Eric Cartman." The voice replied on the other end. It was all distorted and creepy and it even sent shivers down Cartman's spine.

"Who the hell-?" he started, trying to act as if that voice had no effect on him.

"I am the 'prank caller' as you call me." The voice replied and Cartman determined that it was definitely a male's voice; a young male's voice.

"Ha, ha, Kyle. Nice try! It won't work you big dumb Jew! You're just jealous that that freak hasn't called here!" Cartman was so sure that it was Kyle who was calling him, though he couldn't figure out why Kyle would want to miss Terrance and Phillip. "Now, go away, Jew boy, cause I'm going to go watch Terrance and Phillip again!"

"Don't hang up! I'll just call back!" the voice told Cartman.

"Fine then, be that way, bitch." Cartman merely dropped the phone and went back to watch Terrance and Phillip.

He sat back down on the couch and ate his Cheesy Poufs again. Laughter filled the room again as he watched the rather ridiculous show once again. It was a good thing that the show didn't really have a story line to it, or else he would have really have been lost. A commercial came on though a minute after he sat back down and he cursed at the television and at Kyle since he was convinced that he was the caller.

During the commercials though, Cartman began to hear that voice again and it sounded like it was right around him. He panicked slightly and started looking around the room to see who was trying to scare the shit out of him. No one was there though, yet the voice continued to grow louder and louder. Once it got really loud, he was able to determine what the voice was saying.

"**Eric Cartman! Pick up the goddamn phone!**" The voice was shouting this very loud, and even with all the power that needed to be put behind this shout, the distortion was still there.

Apprehensively, Cartman returned to the kitchen, peering around the doorframe to see if anyone was in there first. He saw no one, but the phone was still dangling off the receiver, just as he had left it. The voice was still yelling for him to pick up the phone, but he really didn't want to. Of course he would never admit it to anyone else, but he was pretty terrified.

Still with apprehension, he walked over to the dangling phone and quietly pushed the chair away from it now since it was low enough to reach. He grabbed it and pulled it closer to his ear, only to receive a yell in his ear since the voice was still shouting at him. He pulled the phone away and scowled at it before returning it to his ear when it fell silent.

"I'm here, you piece of shit! What do you want?!" he demanded of the voice forcefully.

"I want to tell you who I am."

"Well, who the hell are you then?" Cartman snapped, thinking now that it wouldn't be Kyle since Kyle wouldn't want to sit there that long, yelling through the phone.

"I am called Gothman!" the voice told him proudly.

"So what?" Cartman was unimpressed.

"I am powerful!" Gothman told him with annoyance in his voice. The annoyance was clearly because Cartman didn't seem to understand the situation.

"I'm sure you are. Good bye." Cartman snorted and jumped up to hang up the phone (which miraculously worked).

xxx

"Okay, children, today… Ah, hell, I don't have anything planned for today. I was up all night because of that asshole prank caller that's bugging everyone." Mr. Garrison sat down at his desk and laid his head on it as if to sleep and Mr. Slave joined him in doing so.

"Whoa," Stan and Kyle said in awe with a lot of the rest of the students in the fourth grade class.

"Hey Cartman, still no calls?" Stan inquired after a moment of silence in the room. Him saying something got the rest of the class talking as well.

"No, I got a call. I thought it was Kyle being a stupid ass, but then I figured out it wasn't. Stupid Gothman, made me miss Terrance and Phillip." Cartman sighed.

"Gothman?" Kyle questioned.

"Yes, dumbass, that's what the prank caller calls himself." Cartman snapped irritably. "Don't you know anything?"

"You're the only one whose been told his name, it must mean that he thinks your important." Stan deduced from what Cartman had said and from what he knew.

"Shit, well that's great." Cartman said sarcastically, "Maybe I'll invite him over for tea."

"What was that about tea?" Pip popped up out of nowhere.

"Fuck off, you British piece of shit." Cartman told the annoying foreigner.

"Right o." Pip replied and scurried away.

"That guy's a freak." Cartman said and they all nodded in response.

"So what are you going to do about Gothman, Cartman?" Kyle asked inquisitively.

Cartman thought for a long moment before thinking of something. A grin appeared on his face as he sat in his desk and he seemed to tune out the rest of the world as the plan unfolded within his mind. Yes, it was a perfect idea. It would certainly prove that Gothman was not as powerful as he said he was. It would prove that he was just some idiot kid.

"Cartman?" Kyle asked after a moment of silence from the boy and seeing the grin on his face, "Cartman?!" There was still no reply, so he just gave up.

xxx

Cartman sat on the couch, eating Cheesy Poufs and watching Terrance and Phillip yet again. This time, he was prepared for that phone call though, for he'd somehow managed to bring the phone into the living room and place it on the side table. How he'd managed to pry the phone off the wall and then make the cord extend to the living room was a mystery, but he'd done it all the same. He sat close to the phone so he could pick it up immediately if it rang, which he was so sure it would.

Right on cue, the phone rang during Terrance and Phillip. Cartman picked it up and answered it in a sweet, innocent voice that sounded unsuspecting of anything peculiar to happen.

"Hello?" he asked in that voice and waited for the response.

"Hello, Eric Cartman." The same greeting as the previous day came through the earpiece.

"Oh, my! Who could this be?" the same voice emitted from Cartman's throat as he continued.

"It's Gothman!" that voice shouted at him as if he were the stupidest being on the planet.

"Gothman, Gothman, Gothman…" Cartman pretended he didn't know what the dude was talking about and then said, "Oh! _Gothman_." He grinned, "The stupid ass who keeps phoning everyone!"

"Wipe that smile off your face!" Gothman ordered.

Cartman gasped and looked around to see if Gothman was spying on him. He came to the conclusion that no one was there and became rather frightened yet again. How could Gothman have possibly known that he was grinning? Oh, he got it. It was his tone of voice that set him off. He calmed down again and spoke to Gothman.

"You had me scared there for a minute, ass wipe." Cartman chuckled, "You make it seem like you can see me-" Cartman begin to say.

"I _can_ see you though…" Gothman cut him off. "You are sitting on your couch, with the phone in your hand."

"So what? A lot of people have the phone in their living rooms." Cartman insisted.

"Yes, but your phone is normally on the kitchen wall. And before you picked up the phone you were eating Cheesy Poufs and watching Terrance and Phillip."

"Shit, how did you-?" Cartman commenced his fearful demand, but was cut off again.

"I can see you, Eric Cartman." Gothman told him again.

"Oh yah?" Cartman challenged.

Cartman rested the phone between his chin and his shoulder now, his chin almost covering the mouthpiece entirely. He'd prove Gothman was nothing more than a stupid wanna-be that desired attention. He was going to do this through means of tests and the first one was he would reach into the drawer on the side table and, without looking, make Gothman guess what it was.

"What's in my hand, you son of a bitch?" Cartman challenged again as he opened the drawer and grabbed something randomly.

"A knife blade," that voice that sent shivers up and down Cartman's spine told him.

"Yah, right," Cartman looked at his closed hand. There appeared to be a handle protruding from his fist, the same wooden handle that the butcher knife his mother had possessed. He gulped and when he opened his hand he saw the blood and the blade. "Fuck!" he exclaimed, dropping it on the floor where the blood splattered on the carpet.

"What's the matter, poopsy?" Cartman's mother came into the room the moment after he dropped the knife. "Did you cut yourself?" she asked upon seeing the blood.

The phone line had gone dead the minute Mrs. Cartman had entered the room, thus meaning that Gothman had hung up. Cartman looked to his mother and nodded a response to her question and nearly began crying as well. He was scared out of his mind and now his hand hurt like hell too.

xxx

The following night, the three boys stood in hiding at about the same time that Terrance and Phillip was on. Stan and Kyle had questioned as to why Cartman was doing this and didn't believe that he'd actually cut his hand because of Gothman, but Kenny confirmed it since he'd been there as well. He'd just been so damn scared he'd remained silent the whole time, so they believed him.

That didn't mean they thought Cartman's plan would work, but they followed it all the same. Cartman had them wait outside his house, but in hiding because he suspected that the Gothman was merely spying on him and that's how he knew what was going on. However, that wasn't the case.

At the exact time that Gothman had called the previous nights, Gothman appeared in front of Cartman's house. Just poof, out of nowhere! That alone left the boys in awe, but when they saw him walk over to Cartman's front steps and sit down, they slunk further into their hiding place, but so they could still see. Gothman pulled out a cellphone and dialled a number, which they assumed was Cartman's and waited for an answer.

"You guys! That dude has wings!" Kyle gasped as he hid with them.

"They're probably made of cardboard or some shit like that. We should attack him!" Cartman whispered frantically.

"I don't think that's a good idea…" Stan said.

"Are you with me or not?!" Cartman snapped and Stan and Kyle sighed as Cartman moved for the attack.

The three of them used their ever so stealthy ways to sneak up on Gothman and then attacked him. All of them pinned down the one who called himself Gothman, ripped the phone out of his hands and threw it aside. They then proceeded at attempting to rip of his wings, but to no avail.

"Pull harder!" Cartman instructed as Stan and Kyle tried to rip off what they thought were cardboard wings.

"OW! Stop that!" the voice even sounded distorted when he was standing right in front of them. "Hey! Those are real!"

They stopped pulling at once and stepped aside to get a good look at him. The boy was dressed in all black, with black hair and pink slits for eyes. From what they could see, he had no mouth, but instead huge black wings protruding from his back. His skin was pale, which enhanced the colour of the pink eyes even more than they already were. The appearance of Gothman definitely matched the voice, or so Cartman thought.

"Dude, what's with all the prank calls?" Stan demanded.

"It is my duty to terrorize small towns that no one cares about such as your own and then bring upon them great tragedy." Gothman explained.

"You mean kind of like Mothman did in Point Pleasant?" Kyle asked.

"Hey, wasn't that a movie?" Cartman asked.

"Yes, it is a movie, but it is also a true story. Mothman is my father." Gothman told them.

"Well, go see your pansy ass father and get the hell out of South Park." Cartman ordered.

"I cannot." Gothman told him.

"Why, did Kyle and Stan hurt your wings too much?" Cartman taunted.

"No, I have not caused great tragedy here." Gothman told them shortly.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Kyle suddenly spoke up.

xxx

"I don't know how exactly this is tragic, but hey, at least he did it!" Stan grinned as he, Cartman and Kyle stood outside of the school.

Or, rather, what should have been the school. The school was completely destroyed, by Gothman of course. All the children stood outside the school laughing at how it was all ruins and saying how there would be no school for that day.

"Yah, for once you actually had a pretty good idea, Jew!" Cartman praised Kyle who merely nodded with a grin on his face.

"Okay, children. Obviously the school is destroyed," Mr. Garrison stood in front of all of them now. 

"You bet your ass it is!" Cartman cheered quietly.

"However, though the school is in complete ruin, classes are still in session." Mr. Garrison told them and began directing the shocked children to where their classes would take place.

"This, this can't be happening you guys!" Cartman looked like he was going to cry.

"This _is_ tragic!" Stan said now, having the same expression as Cartman.

"NO!!" Kyle shouted out in his misery. "This isn't fair!"

"Kyle! Your idea sucks!" Cartman snapped and then began repeatedly shouting, "**I hate you! I hate you!**"


	9. Episode 10:Sadako in South Park

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

* * *

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

* * *

**Episode 10: Sadako in South Park**

"Holy shit, dude," Kyle gasped as the video before them stopped playing, "Where did you get that?"

"Shelly ordered it off the internet," Stan replied almost distantly, his eyes wide.

"That was way too boring! When you told me you had a movie you didn't tell me it was in Chinese!" Cartman whined as he stretched his muscles that were stiff from sitting still for so long.

"It's not Chinese, Cartman, it's Japanese!" Kyle corrected him, irritated at Cartman's nonchalant attitude when the movie had scared him a lot.

"Chinese, Japanese, all the same crap anyway." Cartman insisted as he grabbed the bowl of Cheesy Poufs off the floor to eat some more of them.

"How can you not be scared by that movie?!" Stan demanded suddenly, also noting the relaxed state of Cartman's actions.

"None of that shit's real. Those Japanese freaks are just trying to screw with our minds!" Cartman declared, refusing to believe that that movie could possibly have been real. He wasn't even sure why he'd agreed to watch it with them anyway, even after he found out that it was in another language. All those stupid-ass subtitles took so long to read he just gave up after a while and nearly fell asleep in the process.

"How do you know if it's real or not?! What if this movie is a warning from the Japanese about that Sadako girl?" Kyle took the bowl away from Cartman so he would pay attention.

"Aye! Give those back, damn it!" the fat boy snapped as Kyle took away his food source. "Just because you're chicken shit doesn't mean I have to be!" He was able to get a grip on the side of the bowl and began to try and pull it back.

"Nah-ah! Not until you pay attention and admit the movie scared you, too!" Kyle wouldn't believe that that movie hadn't scared Cartman, even if the language was foreign to them. He kept his hold tight on the edge of the bowl as Cartman pulled on the other edge; he wouldn't let go, especially not for Cartman.

"Give me my Cheesy Poufs!" Cartman pulled really hard on the bowl now, which caused Kyle to let go, however, since both had been pulling so hard on the bowl it caused Cartman's body to jerk when Kyle let go. This, of course, caused the Cheesy Poufs to go flying everywhere and rain down upon them. "Kyle! Look what you did, you stupid Jew!!" Cartman snapped viciously as he picked a few Cheesy Poufs off his hat.

"Like you need to eat more Cheesy Poufs anyway, you fat tub of lard!" Kyle snapped back, just as viciously.

"You guys! This isn't helping at all with the whole problem of Sadako!" Stan finally intervened, stepping over a pile of Cheesy Poufs to get between them. "We have to figure out how to defeat Sadako!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that it's just a bunch of bullshit?" Cartman continued with his theory.

"Well," Kyle said, ignoring Cartman completely, "In the movie, to not die they had to make a copy of that freaky tape."

"We don't have that tape though and there are already a lot of copies of this one," he pointed to the tape's box, which read _Ringu_. "If Sadako comes after us, we're going to have to find a way to defeat her without the tape!"

"But she can't be killed! She's already dead!" Kyle reminded him hastily.

"Well, you guys have fun figuring out how to destroy a person who doesn't exist." Cartman stood up now and stretched. "Cause screw you guys, I'm going home." As he said this, he of course did his pointing motions along with it before heading to the door.

"We don't need your help anyway, fat boy!" Kyle called to him as he left. Upon hearing the door slam, he turned back to Stan, "So, what are we going to do?"

"Maybe Chef will know what to do," Stan suggested, thinking that Chef seemed to know a lot about everything. It was odd, sure, but conveniently useful as well.

"Yah, that's a good idea. We can ask him tomorrow," Kyle agreed with this plan.

"Can it really wait that long? I mean, what if she comes after us in our sleep?" Stan asked, his eyes shifting around the room to look into the shadows as if she were hiding there at that very moment.

"It's getting late, dude. We shouldn't bug him," Kyle pointed out, looking at a clock in the room. It read nine o'clock at night. "I have to go home now anyway before my mom grounds me," Kyle stood up now, looking at the worried look on Stan's face.

"Alright…" Stan nodded apprehensively. He would have felt a lot better if he'd been able to talk to Chef though he knew Kyle was right. He too got to his feet and walked over to the VCR, pulling out the tape and putting it in its case. He heard Kyle say goodbye and mumbled a goodbye as well, but his eyes remained fixated on the movie in his hands.

xxx

Within the night, nothing transpired and one better believe Cartman rubbed that in their faces, declaring once again that his theory was right. As always, he especially made fun of Kyle, stating that all Jews were paranoid little pussies, but Kyle was the worst of them. During all this, Stan was fairly quiet, still thinking about the movie and how they could possibly defeat Sadako.

Musing over this through half the day, Stan was relieved when it came to lunch time, for then he could finally ask Chef what he thought they should do. However, all their waiting in line not only to get their food but also to see the black lunch man was in vain. There in Chef's place someone they'd never seen in their lives was standing behind the counter putting things on trays for the students. When it was their turn, they were greeted in a fashion that seemed so alien since Chef had always greeted them with "hello, children", but this person did the greeting differently.

"Hey, there, kids!" the man said in an overly cheery voice, which made them all cringe.

"Who the hell are you?" Stan demanded before he could stop himself from being rude to the stranger.

"I'm going to be your lunch man for the next few days while Chef is off," it was odd how this man was able to keep his cheery disposition and not take offence to what Stan had said.

"Where's Chef?" Cartman asked, as if he were afraid that this substitute was going to contaminate his precious meal.

"Chef's got the flu," the man told them, "My name is Neil, by the way," a grin was on his face as he said his name. Perhaps it was because he thought it was the greatest name in the world.

Disregarding the name, Kyle asked, "The flu? At this time of the year?" It seemed strange to him, but he guessed it could be possible considering the weather was pretty much the same all year round.

"Yes. Move along, kids. Others would like their lunches, too, you know," Neil urged them along and served the next children.

"That Neil guy is weird, I don't trust him," Cartman informed them of his opinion once they'd sat down. The fat child inspected each and every bit of his food with extreme care before finally taking a bite out of whatever happened to be in his hand.

"How could Chef get sick at such an important time?" Stan thought aloud, not taking even near the equivalent care that Cartman was taking with his food. "We'll have to go to his house."

"We can't do that, dude. We'd probably get sick, too. We'll have to figure this out on our own." Kyle took a drink from his juice box, watching Stan closely in his paranoia. "Dude, did the movie scare you _that_ much? I mean, I'm scared to, but you look like you're going to shit your pants."

"I'm not going to shit my pants!" Stan nearly shouted at this accusation. He wasn't that afraid, but apparently more frightened than either of his friends.

"Okay, dude, calm down." Kyle said, shocked, barely aware that he'd just said 'dude' three times within the last thirty seconds or so. 

"How can I be calm with a psycho girl out there, just waiting to kill us?" Stan was once again nearly shouting, however it was strained as he fought to keep his voice lowered.

"I told you guys before, there's no psycho bitch! Those friggen Chinese people are trying to screw with us!" Cartman told Stan again, using his spoon as though to point threatening at Stan as he did so.

"They're Japanese, Cartman," Kyle corrected him yet again.

"I don't care, goddamn it!" Cartman threw a death glare at Kyle and continued, "Whatever the hell they are, it's not real!"

"What do you know, Cartman? You've said a lot of things aren't real that are! Remember when you got anal probed by the aliens?" Kyle reminded him.

"Kyle, you are a big, dumb Jew. That was a dream. I've explained that before, too!" Cartman sighed with exasperation at the 'stupidity' of his comrade.

"I'm not dumb! I know what happened! I was there!" Kyle shouted in return. "Goddamn it, Cartman, why do you always have to be such a dickhead?"

"Shut your mouth, Jew boy, before I stab you with this fork!" Cartman held up the weapon, obviously intending to bring to mind the incident with Erika (or was it Erikah? They still didn't know, nor did they really care).

"As if I'm afraid of you," Kyle scoffed, but sat farther back on the bench nonetheless.

"Allo, chaps, mind if I sit down?" Pip suddenly popped up out of nowhere, as he always seemed to do. Even as they threw glares at him, he still wore a large grin and hoped that they would permit him to sit at their table.

"Yes, we mind, you stupid French piece of shit," Cartman snapped. "When will you get that through your thick skull?!"

"Oh," Pip sighed in defeat, "all right then." He began to walk away from their table due to what the obese child had said.

"Wait, Pip!" Stan suddenly called out.

"Stan, what are you doing?! Are you mental?" Cartman hissed as the foreign child returned with the smile on his face once again.

"Yes, Stan?" Pip inquired, not sure what his classmate wanted, but he hoped he would be offered a seat.

"Have you ever seen the movie _Ringu_?" Stan asked with caution, praying that the mention of the movie wouldn't frighten him away.

"No, can't say I have," Pip thought for a moment, thinking that he'd never even heard of the movie before. "Why do you ask?"

"Uh, no reason. Never mind," Stan told him, though only received a confused look.

"That's your cue to leave now, hippie," Cartman snapped, staring at Pip with an evil eye until he slunk away.

"What the hell was that about?" Kyle asked once Pip was gone and he was now the one giving Stan a confused look.

"Maybe we can find someone who's seen it that can help us," Stan told them of the idea that had struck him.

"You have to stop being a little wussy and get over it!" Cartman told him sharply. "You're really starting to tick me off with your hippie-ass ways!"

"Why aren't you scared?" Stan finally asked.

"Because it's not really, damn it. How many times do I have to tell you? That was the most boring movie I've ever seen in my life and I don't get why you even wanted to watch it!" Cartman told him angrily.

"I watched it because Shelly told me to watch it," Stan informed him.

"You do everything your P.M.S-ing sister says, Stan?" Cartman demanded.

"No, but she told me if I watched it, it would save her life. She seemed really scared," Stan replied.

"She must have thought that she could defeat Sadako by getting you to watch it," Kyle mused aloud.

"Probably. I wonder if it worked," Stan suddenly thought, "Maybe we should ask her?"

"Oh no. I'm not going near the P.M.S. Queen," Cartman randomly dubbed Stan's sister as such. "She'll probably kick your ass for saying something as stupid as what you've been saying! Wait… that would be a good thing. Might knock some sense into you!"

"Shut up, Cartman," Kyle snapped with a glare.

"Screw you guys, I'm going to class," Cartman got up and though he was saying that he was leaving so sudden, he had finished eating so he felt that he didn't have to stay. Like he wanted to stay with a bunch of pansies anyway. Whining about that "Chinese" chick Sadako like she was going to rip their nuts off was pissing him off in every way, shape and form. He honestly hoped Shelly kicked the shit out of them so he wouldn't have to hear about it anymore.

xxx

That night, Cartman wanted to stay up later and watch a special episode of Terrance and Phillip. Not only did he want to see it because it was Terrance and Phillip, but he was sure that neither Kyle nor Stan would be allowed to stay up and watch it since it was on at ten o'clock at night. He so wanted to rub that in their whiney little faces, so after a lot of begging in his whiney voice (though he would _never_ call it such), his mother allowed him to stay up and watch it.

He sat on the couch now, the light of the image the television projected glaring in his eyes, though that didn't matter. _He_ was watching the Terrance and Phillip special while he was sure the others were being forced to stay in their beds, that's all that mattered. He even speculated that they had no choice but to stay in bed after what Shelly probably did to them. He could just imagine Stan with a broken arm, whining about how Sadako was sure to kill him in his vulnerable state.

Cartman pictured Kyle in a similar situation, except both of the Jewish boy's legs were broken and he had to sit in a wheel chair all night. He could picture the paranoid look in Kyle's eyes and merely laughed at it while thinking aloud, "Stupid Jew."

"And now for the Terrance and Phillip special episode!" the voice on the television told Cartman, which caused Cartman's grin to grow.

He picked up the bowl of Cheesy Poufs that sat beside him on the couch, eagerly taking a handful of them and popping them into his large mouth. He watched the screen intently as he chewed, awaiting the moment when this special episode would come on. However, all he saw come on the screen was white noise for what seemed like several minutes.

"Goddamn it," he cursed as he put down his bowl of Cheesy Poufs and walked over to the television.

He made a fist and started to hit the side of the television with it, trying to get some form of a picture. Nothing seemed to be working though and he was just about to go wake up his mother and complain when something did come on the television. At first, he sighed in relief that he wouldn't miss the special episode, however that sigh became a gasp, as it wasn't Terrance and Phillip he saw on the television.

"What the fuck is this?!" he exclaimed in a breathy voice as he saw a circular shape with a man looking through it from the side.

The image was in all black and white, and the other images that joined it were black and white as well. People crawling desperately on a beach, Japanese characters twitching around on the screen and some strange man with what looked like a towel on his head while he was pointing at something were just some of the images. He recognized this; sure he'd been bored the first time he'd seen it, but now he was fully alert at these images.

"Haha, very funny, Jew-boy! I'm not going to fall for your lame ass tricks!" Cartman called in the most sarcastic voice he could muster at the moment, suddenly thinking that maybe, just maybe it was Kyle and maybe even Stan trying to scare the crap out of him.

Cartman took several steps backwards as a well came on the screen and for several long seconds it was just that: a well. Yet after those seconds past, he could see hands at the rim of the well, gripping at the sides and using their arms to push up the body of a girl. The girl wore a simply, yet filthy, supposed to be white dress and he long, black hair draped across her face, hiding it well. Her movements were jerky and slow, but yet with every new second that came, she was many steps closer to the screen.

"Goddamn it, this isn't funny, you guys!" Cartman was almost shouting now as he watched the strange girl's shoulders roll awkwardly as she came closer. He would have been shouting full out could he have mustered the voice to do so. He didn't care who the hell he woke up or disturbed, enough was enough and the joke was over.

No one came out though to turn off the movie and pull it out to wave it in his face while telling him that he was chicken shit just like they were. There was no one who flicked on all the lights in the house and came running in concern to see what was going on. He even noted that his feline companion had fled the room. He didn't know when she'd fled, but she was nowhere in sight now.

Cartman let out a little girlish scream as the creepy girl's head was bent towards the screen of the television, looking as though attempting to penetrate it. He'd expected that she'd just conk her head off of the film recorder that was recording it, but no, just like in that movie _Ringu_ her hair began to droop through the screen. Following her long hair was her head and neck and then her decayed hands and arms. He could clearly see the missing nails on each and every blanched finger and somehow recalled that it was because she'd attempted to climb out of the well. Well, she sure as hell did it easy this time!

He backed up further, hitting the couch with his large ass and he could have climbed on top of it, but he could do no such thing in his shock and terror. He could only watch with extremely wide eyes as she moved like a contortionist to make her way from the television word into his living room. Though he was praying it was all some horrific dream, he could feel the pain around his eyes from having them opened so wide and began to whimper uncontrollably.

Within a fraction of a second, she was off the floor and standing up perfectly straight and closer to him than he felt comfortable with. He shook his wide cranium back and forth in protest of her approaching any further and he was thrilled when it seemed to work for she stopped completely. That wasn't the end though, oh no. As she stood stalk still, her hair, seemingly having a mind of its own, moved slowly away to reveal one staring eye.

Her pupil and iris stared viciously down at Cartman's cowering form while her bloodshot cornea remained just as it was. She uttered not a word and only stared at him. This seemed to frustrate and irritate her though, for she blinked a few times and then stared again in the same fashion.

"Please! God! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry I said you weren't real, Miss Scary Chinese lady! I'm sorry!" Cartman managed to bring his arms up in front of his face so he wouldn't have to endure the stare of that single eye, but he suddenly felt like his chest and throat were constricted.

He couldn't breathe. He brought down his arms, clasped at his throat and everything he could think of, but his breath wasn't returning to him. Apprehensively, he looked up at Sadako and saw her still staring at him with that same eye. His mouth opened as if he were going to scream and his face felt like it was being disfigured as he fell to the floor.

Sadako stared incredulously as the breath returned to the fat child the moment he hit the floor and as an orange-like spirit emitted from that fat body. Kenny's spirit hovered over Cartman now, looking around with both disbelief and fear in his dead eyes. Was it real? Had he escaped the fatass's body? It seemed to be so, however, even in his spirit form, he now felt like his chest and throat were constricted.

Cartman sat up on the floor, staring up at Kenny who seemed to be struggling in his spirit form. With amazement, Cartman realized that Kenny was the one affected by Sadako's wrath for some reason or another that he'd probably never be able to explain, but did that mean that he was now home free? Would Sadako turn on him again?

Kenny soundlessly disappeared with a small flash of orange light as he "died", however he couldn't really die because he was already dead. On Earth, Kenny was officially non-existent for good this time, but perhaps he was in Heaven. Or maybe even Hell. Wherever he was, he was gone.

Sadako blinked wordlessly as Kenny vanished and turned back to Cartman. She gave him a frustrated look, as if just daring him to have some other spirit in his body besides his own. Silently, she vowed she would kill this child and with that she gave him the evil eye once again. Nothing seemed to be happening though, except to herself. She now suffered from what she had just inflicted on both the deceased and living boy. She, though already dead like Kenny had been, couldn't breathe and not only did she feel her chest constricting, she witnessed it, too.

Her ribcage was caving in on itself, as was her throat, but it was difficult to tell that behind her long hair. Cartman could only guess that she was dying somehow and it contented him slightly that she was, however… When she was finished with said dying all that was left was a skeleton draped in a dress lying on his living room floor. That's when he jumped onto the couch, upsetting his bowl of Cheesy Poufs as he did so, terrified that her bony hand would reach out and try to grab him.

The television returned to white noise before flickering back on to the regular station as the guy announced, "And now back to the Terrance and Phillip special episode!" This was of course followed by the various, rather amusing fart jokes of Terrance and Phillip.

Cartman wasn't interested in Terrance and Phillip at the moment at all though. He was interested in the Cheesy Poufs being crushed under him as he shifted uncomfortably or the other Cheesy Poufs littered all over the couch and on the floor. _Now_ all that mattered was the dead girl on his floor. That "Chinese" freak that tried to murder him with her evil eye.

xxx

In the morning, Mrs. Cartman found her terrified son sitting on the couch staring at the floor. As far as she could tell, there was nothing to be seen there, but yet her son would not remove his eyes from that spot. She tried to persuade him to move with mass amounts of sugary foods for breakfast, but he merely continued to stare with his tired eyes open wide.

She was becoming concerned, but was easily distracted by the doorbell ringing. After declaring that she would be there in just a second, she let in both Stan and Kyle, leading them to a traumatized Cartman. Both boys stared at him in confusion for a minute before going on with what they'd come to tell him before school.

"You were right, Cartman," Stan said, catching the fat child's attention. Stan was now the victim under these scared wide eyes, but he continued anyway. "Shelly tried to kick my ass for bringing up such a stupid thing, but I got away in time."

"Yah. As much as I hate to admit it, especially since it's you, there is no Sadako. We were overreacting and taking the stupid movie way too seriously," Kyle added reluctantly, just waiting for Cartman to jump up and going 'nananananana, hahahahahaha' or something ridiculous like that.

"Don't say that!" Cartman suddenly lashed out at them with a still terrified voice, looking at them with true fear written all over his face, "She'll come after you if you say that!" He was genuinely convinced of this, even though he'd seen her skeleton disintegrate on his living room floor during some early hour of the morning.

"Cartman, you can stop with that shit now. If it was your master plan to convince us that you finally believe us it's not going to work," Kyle stared at him.

"Yah, dude, we totally see that you were right the whole time. Come on, tell him to cut it out, Kenny," Stan ordered Kenny's spirit as he didn't know that it'd escaped Cartman's body.

"Kenny's not here…" Cartman said in a distant voice, staring blankly at the darkness of the turned off television. "That scary bitch killed him…"

"Come on, Cartman. That's-" Stan was cut off by not only the sound resembling a whimper that escaped Cartman, but also something else.

Both Kyle and Stan turned to look at the screen now, too, witnessing the white noise that was all over the television screen. Suddenly, the image of the well came on the screen again and Cartman let out another yelp that was joined by the gasps of Stan and Kyle. All three stared at the well, waiting all knowingly that Sadako was coming next, but she never came. When they observed closer they could see that there was now a cover fully over the well, sealing it shut. They could also see that there was a pile of the filthy white dress Sadako had been wearing at the base of the well. Was Sadako dead?

This was never answered as the screen changed back to the white noise.

* * *

Well, there you have it, Episode 10. For anyone confused, white noise is the "static" looking stuff that comes on your television screen at times. That's not the formal definition, but pertaining to this episode that's what it is.  
This episode is based off of solely _Ringu_. Not _The Ring_, not _The Ring Two_ and not _Ringu 2_. Just _Ringu_. 


	10. Episode 11:Chinpokomon Battle Rages On1

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

_

* * *

_

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

_

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_A Note Before We Begin:_ This Episode of South Park With An Odd Twist has been based off of an MSN conversation pertaining to Chinpokomon. All dialogue said by the characters Carl, Bob, Janice, Jeanette, Laura and Demmanu is what was actually said during this conversation. So, this is almost a collaboration of many different people. Dialogue said by Stanley Marsh, Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman was made up to fit the story. They were not part of the original conversation.

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Episode 11: The Chinpokobattle Rages On, Part I_

The three eight-year-olds, Stanly Marsh, Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman walked into the school gymnasium, where there was apparently something going on. They'd heard that there was some sort of Convention coming to be hosted in South Park, however they were very vague on all the details. As per usual, of course; there was no surprise that the Mayor was just as clueless as the rest of the populace as it had happened so many times before.

The three young males looked up at the banner draped across the gym doors, knowing that that would be the indicator of what was going on, or that was what was expected anyway. What they saw painted sloppily in the golden letters though only caused their jaws to drop and their faces to twist in disgust. This was some form of a joke, right?

"What? We pushed through all of those people to see this? A **Chinpokomon** Convention?" Cartman roared with anger, annoyed that his time had been wasted yet again.

"What losers still play with those dumb things?" Kyle questioned aloud, staring at all the people crowding around the different areas set up in the gym.

"It looks like these people do," Stan stated the obvious.

The gymnasium of the South Park Elementary School was only one of the locations in which the Chinpokomon pandemonium had been set up. This appeared to be the battle area though, as there were many large groups of people huddled around watching several others fight. It was a ridiculous sight to see the young children pushing their way through the crowd to try and see what was happening in the battle, but there were several attempting to accomplish this task.

"Liar!" they heard the shout from within the center of a mass of people and this shout caused several gasps.

"I wonder what's going on," Kyle questioned, the curiosity within the young boy beating out the thought that he was surrounded by losers.

The shout had come from within the center of a rather large crowd near the center of the gym. Most of the people were trying to force their way in to see what exactly was going on in that area alone, indicating that it was perhaps a really 'fierce' battle. This only caused Cartman to scoff though and even laugh at those who were being pushed to the ground.

"Who cares? It's just some dumb Chinpokobattle," Cartman crossed his arms over his large chest.

"I'll kill you!" came another voice after the first. This caught the attention of many of the people in the gymnasium, including Cartman. There was going to be death?

"Let's go see!" Stan said, leading the way as they began to push through the people to attempt to see what was so bad that that kind of declaration would be made.

Since they were all rather short, they were having a bit of trouble pushing the others out of their way. These people might as well have had their feet cemented to the damn floor, that's how difficult it was to get through. When they finally made it through to see what was happening, God only knows how they did considering the situation, they saw a redheaded girl duck in cover behind someone else. Perhaps she was the one who had a death threat placed upon her?

"I'd like to see you try!"

Their attention was brought to the left of them, where they saw two girls standing, though one seemed to be more fiercely into the battle. This girl, they guessed, was a teenager. Her shorter light brown hair was pulled back out of her face in a ponytail to reveal light coloured eyebrows narrowed over bluish eyes. Her stance indicated that she was ready to fight, whether it be through a Chinpokobattle or through physical force.

The girl beside her had a similar appearance, though her long, darker hair was definitely a noticeable difference. Grey-blue eyes stared incredulously at the girl beside her, perhaps questioning her sanity. This female wore a long dark trench coat and her hands were shoved in the pockets of this coat. She didn't appear inviting, but definitely looked calmer than the first girl.

The first girl, her name being Laura, ran away suddenly as something was thrown in her direction. When this something was on the ground, they saw that it was a pink, stiletto shoe. It sat on the ground harmlessly, its pink colour glaring up at Laura. When she noted its immobility, she ran over to it, somehow producing a can of gasoline and pouring said gas onto the shoe. She then lit a match and threw it into the depths of this shoe as an evil-like laughter escaped her throat.

"The hell?" Stan asked, not understanding what had just happened. Was there something they were unaware of about this shoe, perhaps? It seemed like a normal shoe to him though…

"I have no idea, dude," Kyle said, have the same feeling of oblivion running through him.

"I! I have made fire!" Laura pointed aggressively at the flaming shoe, mimicking Tom Hank's character in the movie _Cast Away_.

"No you didn't," the trench-coated female, Demmanu, spoke. "You merely-" This sentence was not finished though.

"No!" Laura shouted at the pink stiletto exploded in her face, a loud kaboom ringing through the gym.

"Oh my god!" Kyle exclaimed, shielding his eyes from the pieces of shoe flying in their direction.

"Since when has Chinpokomon been this violent?" Stan shouted over the loud explosion sound.

"Heheh, I remembered to pull out the pin this time," said one of two females on the other side of the circle once the sound level died down. She was referring to a grenade, implying that she rarely remembered to pull the pins out of the grenades before she threw them. This person held the name Bob, though a female.

Her short, dyed, black hair fell just above her shoulders, hanging around her face without being in the way of it. Her stance was cocky, as if she'd just won some award or battle without much difficulty. It seemed that the latter fit the situation better for there didn't appear to be any awards around them.

Beside her stood Carl, another female with a male name, with a look of complete alarm on her face. She held a similar appearance to Bob, though her hair was slightly longer, pulled back and the natural light brown of her hair colour was almost defeating the black dye. After a moment though, a grin crept upon her face, followed by laughter. This situation had somehow become funny.

"These guys are crazy!" Cartman yelled, drawing the attention of a few around him, but not too many were interested in what the fat child had to say.

"Shoe! I choose you!" they saw the redheaded girl come out from her hiding place and throw in her Chinpokomon, Shoe. Shoe flew through the air in the direction of the center of the circle.

"Hah!" came the voice of Laura, seemingly unaffected by the grenade that had just been unleashed upon her. "I will counter with my own Chinpokomon!" She proceeded to pull out a Chinpokoball. "Shoe! I choose you! My shoe will definitely beat your shoe! Shoelace attack!" Laura declared categorically as the two Shoes collided in mid-air and fell to the ground.

The redheaded girl, her name being Janice, blinked at the two Shoes collided and fell to the ground. "Mine is winning!" she shouted as the two Chinpokomon sat on the ground lifelessly.

Janice's red hair was definitely the shortest of all the girls in the battle. At her ears, it flared out, creating the appearance of wings in a sense. She was also the oldest of the all of them fighting, yet she seemed to be just as immature as the other four. No one noted this though, too intent on watching the Chinpokobattle, though perhaps it was because they were just as immature as well.

Carl threw in her Chinpokomon without either of the two Shoe owners really noticing at first, but Cartman noticed and didn't hesitate to point it out.

"What the hell is that?" he pointed at what appeared to be a boot.

"No mine is!" Laura declared, retaliating to what Janice had said, but she then noticed the boot. "Oh! It's Shoe's evolved form! Steel-toed Boot!"

Demmanu had a look of disbelief on her face, as if she couldn't grasp at what was happening before her very eyes. The insanity was all before her though, so she felt that she couldn't deny what was happening.

"What?" Cartman questioned, wondering if he'd heard correctly amongst all the cheering that was suddenly happening around them.

"Maybe they've come up with other Chinpokomon since we last played," Stan shrugged, staring at the boot in much the same way as his two friends.

From within the crowd pushed a long, dark haired girl. She seemed very hesitant about what she was doing, but she got close to the fray all the same, eyeing the fighters cautiously. It indicated that she didn't have her own Chinpokomon, but she was still ready for battle. Why she would want to join the madness was beyond them, yet she was there all the same.

"Is it safe?" the girl, Jeanette, asked, though she wasn't sure if anyone heard over all the noise.

Carl merely erupted into laughter, watching as her Chinpokomon, Steel-toed Boot, crushed both of the Shoes. Though all three items, which would normally be considered footwear, sat in the middle of the circle, unmoving, the laughter continued. After a moment though, she stopped to stare, as did Janice.

"No! My Chinpokomon!" Laura cried, mourning the apparent defeat of her beloved Shoe.

"You're all nuts," Demannu scoffed, wondering what the hell was wrong with all of them and why the hell she was even there with them.

"Do something!" Carl shouted after a moment, walking over to Steel-toed Boot and smacking it.

Laura looked up, seeing that Steel-toed Boot was not moving. "Steel-toed Boot seems hesitant… Shoe may have a chance yet!" A grin crept across her face as it seemed she regained hope. "Go Shoe! Attack now!"

Janice walked over to her Chinpokomon, picking up and staring for a moment. "You are useless," she told it before throwing it on the ground aggressively and returning to her spot.

Suddenly, it seemed that Carl had another Chinpokomon she was willing to use as she shouted, "Wire! I choose you!" She threw the metal wire, which appeared to be in the form of a skeleton of some sorts, into the battle.

"Dude, this is way too weird," Kyle mused, thinking that it was like a bad car accident. It was just far too disturbing and yet one couldn't rip their eyes from the scene.

"Hah, HAH!" Carl shouted as Wire sat in the battle area. "I have backup!"

As this was happening, Jeanette back away slowly, as if too horrified by the situation to remain any longer. She was, however, blocked by the mass of people standing around and unable to move any more than a few steps. She looked around for another escape, but saw none.

Wire did nothing but sit upon the two Shoes and Steel-toed Boot, like it had no idea what it was supposed to be doing. This caused Carl to exclaim, "God damn it!" before storming off, though she didn't go far. She too was blocked by the mass of people and she also wanted to continue with the battle.

"No fair! You can't summon another Chinpokomon in the middle of a battle!" Laura pointed accusingly at Carl, suddenly realizing that she'd summoned yet another Chinpokomon.

Carl stopped her storming and walked over to Steel-toed Boot, picking it up. She then proceeded to walk over to Laura and whack her across the head with this Chinpokomon, somehow sending the girl flying into the depths of the crowd. Many people flailed about as the body flew at them and it nearly caused a domino effect, yet somehow everyone managed to stay standing.

"Auto-hit," Carl said blandly as Laura's form went flying.

"Ah!" Laura cried out, trying to get back to face Carl yet again. "You fiend!" she shouted once back in sights of Carl. Laura didn't have too much difficulty getting up from her spot on the floor. She'd been the only to fall and since she was in battle, the crowd was eager to see it continue so they let her through.

Though laughing at Laura's predicament, Janice picked up her Shoe and threw it at Carl, though it seemed to have no effect at all since it merely flopped onto the ground. What did happen though, was that Wire finally took action. Wire didn't seem to know who the correct opponent was as it attacked its own Chinpoko-Master, stabbing her in the middle of her back.

"Oh! Me eye!" Carl shouted, making this shout seem inane considering she'd been stabbed in the back.

Laura laughed, instantly joined by Bob as well, watching as Carl fell to the ground, bleeding profusely. No one seemed to notice how serious a situation this was, even as Wire continued to wedge itself deep into the bone of her spinal column. There was high potential that she would die, yet no one seemed to care at all. Chinpokomon was just that enthralling to them.

"AGH! Don't attack me, you bitch!" Carl ordered, though it seemed redundant as Wire only continued with what it was doing.

Bob, meanwhile, was on the floor laughing uncontrollably. She clutched her stomach as she rolled around, finding this situation all too funny. Pain shot through her stomach with this laughing, but she continued to laugh all the same. While many around thought that this was rather disturbing, Bob's laughter refused to cease, ringing over the growing silent crowd.

"Wire!" Laura exclaimed in sudden realization. "It must be a darkness type Chinpokomon! So evil! Shoe! Help her!" What met Laura's eyes though was a merely motionless Shoe. "Oh dear! Shoe must be out of energy! What **ever** shall we do?" she began to ponder, trying to think up a solution.

"I don't know," Janice spoke from her spot on the battle field, watching at Wire continued to wedge its way into Carl's spine.

Carl managed to get a hold of Wire, pulling the vile Chinpokomon out of her back. This, however, only caused the girl to get her spine snapped, thus killing her. Wire didn't seem to mind though, moving now to attack Laura's Shoe, attempting to devour it.

"No! Shoe! Fight it! Shoelace attack now!" Laura shouted, watching as the evil Chinpokomon attempted to devour her precious Shoe.

Shoe's shoelaces flopped about feebly, trying to defeat the other Chinpokomon with whatever little bit of energy it had left.

"Go Shoe! Save the other Shoe!" Janice shouted, waiting for her Shoe to jump immediately into action, however it merely sat there for a moment before tying its own laces together and running off. "Stupid Shoe!"

"Your Shoe is a coward!" Laura shouted vehemently, watching as the other shoe ran away.

"I know," cried Janice in return, glowering in the direction that her Shoe had gone.

Wire continued to viciously attack Shoe, growling and pulling out its laces before spitting them out at Shoe's owner. Laura merely gawked, wondering why Wire was so evil. Sure, it being a darkness type Chinpokomon made sense, however it was just too strange.

"That's sick!" Kyle declared, watching the motionless form of Carl lying on the ground, almost waiting for her to jump up and say that it was all a joke. Nothing of that sort seemed to be happening though, especially since the blood continued to seep from her body.

Janice pulled out another Chinpokoball, proceeding to throw that into the ring as well. "Go Flip Flop!" she shouted and Flip Flop emerged from within the Chinpokoball.

"Shoe!" Laura cried as Shoe was defeated, her eyes wide with shock and sadness.

The Chinpokomon Flip Flop flopped around, waiting for its turn in this battle to begin. Wire, however had other plans. Flicking Flip Flop aside, it went straight for Flip Flop's Master, Janice. Wire began attempting to maul Janice to death, perhaps in the same fashion that it'd struck down its own master.

"Flip Flop! Help!" Janice shouted out, ignoring the crying coming from Laura's end of the battle area.

Flip Flop pathetically chose to run away though, much in the same way that Shoe had. People in the crowd parted as the Chinpokomon hopped by. No one wanted to even attempt to catch it, since it seemed so useless. The people stayed parted though as Wire was hot in pursuit of Flip Flop.

"No breeding outside of your own species, bitch!" Carl's voice met their ears, yet when they looked she still appeared to be as dead as she'd been when they last looked.

Jeanette seemed intent on joining the battle, throwing in what she thought was Wire's worst enemy, String. Though Wire was already gone, she thought that perhaps String would chase after and defeat Wire. String was released from the flying Chinpokoball and sat on the floor looking confused. She then realized that Wire already ate another version of String and panicked.

Running away from the deadly Wire, though Wire wasn't chasing her at the moment, she said, "Awh, curd muffins."

Bob decided to enter her own version of a Chinpokomon, Sting! Surprisingly, Sting appeared within the gymnasium, right in the middle of the battle. Where he'd come from, God only knew. Sting merely looked insanely confused and even a little uncomfortable standing in the circle of people, not knowing what to do.

_To Be Continued..._


	11. Episode 11:Chinpokomon Battle Rages On2

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

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_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised._

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**_Episode 11: The Chinpokobattle Rages On, Part II_

"Uh," Sting questioned weakly.

"Who the hell is that?" Cartman asked, scoffing at the man now standing in the middle of the fray.

"That's Sting, isn't it?" Kyle questioned not really sure if he should believe what his eyes were showing him.

"Looks like it to me," Stan confirmed, nodding his head with a perplexed look on his face.

"Well, what the hell is Sting doing in the middle of a Chinpokobattle?" Cartman demanded.

Before anyone could answer the tubby child though, Laura's voice broke through the crowd, her crying having ceased. "Maul! I choose you!" As Maul emerged from within the Chinpokoball, she took the liberty of throwing her Chinpokomon at Wire, who wasn't too far away at that point, to get revenge for Shoe.

Sting screamed, running out of the way of the flying Maul as it flew at Wire. Wire, being struck by Maul twitched from under its blade. It seemed that Shoe had been avenged well since Wire appeared to be on the verge of being severed in half.

"Roller Skate! It's your turn!" Janice shouted, another of her Chinpokoballs releasing Roller Skate, who, like the others, merely sat there at first.

"Maul!" Laura shouted, getting her Chinpokomon's attention. "Attack Roller Skate with Slice Attack!"

Wrenching itself out of the ground, freeing Wire, Maul rocketed in the direction of Roller Skate, complying to its Master's wishes. Slice Attack was unleashed upon Roller Skate, but Roller Skate would not be defeated so easily.

"Roller Skate! Wheel Attack on Maul!" Janice shouted enthusiastically, watching as Roller Skate's front wheels began to spin really quickly while it stood on its two hind wheels.

Maul's blade ground against Roller Skate's wheels, trying with all its might to push through and slice Roller Skate in two. The blade of Maul only seemed to cause friction between the two though, as nothing more happened.

Bob stood there, staring at the still perplexed Sting. Sting noticed this and shifted uncomfortably, wondering why the teen was staring at him. Near by, Wire twitched some more, though it went fairly unnoticed as the crowd was too transfixed on the Chinpokobattle.

Roller Skate's wheels began to smoke as Maul's blade ground against them. Surprisingly, Maul wasn't losing too much of its sharp edge, even though one would think that that spinning motion on the edge of the blade would make it dull. The smoke that was produced from the two Chinpokomon colliding shifted through the air, though it was thin enough that it didn't cloud the vision of the spectators.

"Roller Skate! Use those laces!" Janice ordered and Roller Skate immediately complied and wrapped its laces around Maul.

With much suddenness, Carl seemed to revive, wiping the drool coming from Bob's mouth as she stared at Sting. Noting this as well, Sting twitched, seriously wondering what the hell was wrong with the gawking, drooling girl. And then just as quickly as Carl had revived, she regained her appearance of being dead yet again.

"Did you see that?" Stan pointed in the direction of Carl's body. "She came back to life!"

"Really?" Kyle looked immediately, though he saw nothing of this regained life.

"You missed it, dude!" Stan told him, looking at his best friend with wide eyes. Chinpokomon seemed to have taken a serious turn towards weird since they'd last played the Japanese game.

"It's those Japanese freaks again! They're here to corrupt us and then they're going to sick that freaky long haired bitch on us!" Cartman suddenly shouted, thinking that he'd discovered the Japanese's true plan.

"What?" Stan and Kyle gasped in sync, not sure whether to believe Cartman or not.

Maul flailed, attempting to turn around to slice through Roller Skate's laces to free itself. While it turned though, Maul's handle became the victim of the spinning wheels and Roller Skate's wheels only seemed to speed up. Maul's wooden handle would no doubt be damaged before the battle was up between the two.

Jeanette, who had disappeared into the crowd, returned with what looked like a bucket of water. She walked over to Carl's dead form and said, "I choose you, cold water!" and dumped the cold water over the girl's head. This was no Chinpokomon, but she'd said a summoning as if it had been one anyway.

Jeanette's plan seemed to work as Carl's wounds suddenly seemed like nothing more than mere scratches and she jumped up. She regained all signs of life and looked around. Seeing Sting backing away from Bob, she walked over to the adolescent and bitch slapped her. This caused Bob to stumble about in a fashion that made her seem dizzy or drunk, her eyes unfocused and even appearing as though they were spinning.

As Jeanette returned to the side lines, Maul managed to slice through Roller Skate's laces and free itself. Damage had already been done to Maul's handle though and took several damage points. Because of these damage points, its attack points went down a bit too, as it had been weakened.

"Get back in there, Maul! Don't let a little damage bring you down!" Laura ordered.

Roller Skate, for some potentially odd reason, began speeding towards a rock. Maybe it was going to use this as a launching pad to attack Maul again.

"Yah! Go Roller Skate!" Janice cheered her Chinpokomon on.

"Psst, Laura." Jeanette's voice came from beside Laura in a whisper. When Jeanette saw that she had Laura's attention, she continued, "I have Maul's best friend… it might help win the battle." After she told Laura this, she threw her the Chinpokomon Whetstone, who would no doubt indeed help Maul quite a bit.

Having no more Chinpokoballs, Carl shouted, "Sting! Do something!"

Sting thought for a moment, thinking of something. His mind was clouded as he could only panic during all this madness. What in the hell was happening to him? He was a famous musician, not some… well… whatever these people were! He eventually decided upon throwing a microphone, which ended up flying in Maul's direction.

"That was wicked…" Bob commented.

"Bob! Stop staring at Sting!" Carl ordered, averting her own eyes from the artiste.

"Maul! Double Slice Attack!" Laura shouted almost at the same time as the others were speaking.

Maul was aiming for Roller Skate once again, this time to slice off its wheels. The microphone that Sting had thrown distracted it though as it was hit with the voice enhancing object. It thunked against the stone of its blade as well as the top of its handle before falling to the ground. Maul stared incredulously, wondering what had just happened before it stared attacking the microphone instead. No way was this inanimate object going to get away with that!

"What are you doing?" Laura protested, appalled at her Chinpokomon's disobedience. "Go for Roller Skate! Microphone is nothing!" Taking Whetstone now, though not entirely sure what it did, she threw it in to help Maul. "You! Whatever you are! Get in there and help Maul!"

"Whetstone can improve Maul's force!" Jeanette informed her.

Janice proceeded to throw in yet another Chinpokomon. "Go help Roller Skate!"

Sting decided to take action again, throwing CDs in Maul's direction this time. Perhaps he was thinking that the only way to get out of this freak show was to play along with them. While he did this, Carl proceeded to beat the crap out of Bob, leaving her all discombobulated.

"Gah! Chainsaw! Not that!" Laura glowered at the much more powerful Chinpokomon, Chainsaw. "Maul! Return!" Maul returned to the Chinpokoball as Laura continued, "Whetstone! I capture you!" She threw an empty Chinpokoball at Whetstone, capturing it. "You're mine now! Shoe! Return as well!" Though long ago defeated, Shoe had still been out in the battle field and now returned to the safety of the Chinpokoball.

While the CDs crashed to the floor as their target disappeared, Janice followed Laura's example, choosing to return her Chinpokomon to their Chinpokoballs.

"Chainsaw return!" Janice ordered and as Chainsaw returned to its Chinpokoball, she proceeded on. "Roller Skate, you too!" Roller Skate was also sucked back into its Chinpokoball home.

"Are they giving up?" Kyle asked, noting that all the fighters seemed to be calling back their Chinpokomon.

"They better not be, damn it! It was just getting good!" Cartman snarled, having been getting into the action of the game. He was even considering taking up the game again so he could beat the crap out of these 'losers'.

"Desert Rose is an awesome song!" Bob shouted randomly, having regained consciousness after having been beat.

"God damn it! I thought I beat you senseless!" Carl shouted in annoyance, proceeding to beat the living daylights out of Bob once again, this time attempting to make sure that Bob would not reawaken.

Sting looked from side to side before beginning to back away, though he too was trapped by the crowd of people. He was suddenly all too freaked out by all those around him and decided against his idea to just play along to get out of there. As he approached the crowd, some even attempted to bombard him with autograph desires. He was just surrounded! There was no way to get away!

"Aie!" Bob shouted as Carl started to attempt to bring back Bob's unconscious state.

Stepping up beside Sting, Janice said, "They can go on for a pretty long time…"

Sting visibly jumped, staring bug-eyed at Janice and twitched as if she were some freak of nature. Running through his mind was that he was indeed surrounded by freaks and it must be all some big bad dream. How the hell else could he have suddenly got there?

Bob twitched and Carl dusted her hands saying, "That's better."

Quite suddenly, the CDs and the microphone fused together, perhaps indicating that they too were Chinpokomon after all. Once fused, they had formed Compact Discphone. It was a strange looking object and received confused stares from both Sting and Carl, among many others of course.

Blinking, Janice stated, "That was unexpected…" She began to giggle almost evilly though as she said, "Go Cotton Candy Glob!"

This Chinpokomon was definitely a strange sight as well. The giant glob of pure sugar sat there, doing nothing. Compact Discphone made to lunge at it all the same, yet Carl beat Compact Discphone to the target. She picked up Cotton Candy Glob and ate it right there.

"My monster!" Janice cried out in horror, watching as her opponent ate her beloved Chinpokomon.

"Not anymore!" Carl grinned, finishing off Cotton Candy Glob by licking her fingers.

"Uh…" Sting looked once again for a way to escape, but he saw none. He could only hope that he woke up soon.

Crying, Janice mourned with words. "My poor monster…" she said with a sad tone ringing across her vocal cords.

Carl threw in another Chinpokomon, which would normally be mistaken for food. "Attack!" she ordered as she threw in Gummy Worm. While Gummy Worm merely sat there though, she seemed to think that she'd made a foolish decision. "Ugh, we've had too much of this." With that, she squished Gummy Worm under her shoe and then pulled it off before discarding it.

Gummy Worm seemed to have other plans though as it suddenly became fifty times its original size and swallowed up Sting. Gummy Worm towered over many of the audience members, eyeing them as well, maybe thinking of eating them too. Many cowered under Gummy Worm's stare.

Though Janice laughed, Bob did not find this so funny. She retaliated through means of yelling, "No! Sting!" and attacking the giant form of Gummy Worm.

Compact Discphone made attempts to help as well, though they were all in vain.

"I know!" Demannu shouted suddenly, bringing all attention back to the forgotten two standing on the other side of the circle.

Laura, as well as many others, looked at Demannu, staring with curiousity. Laura also stared with apprehension, as she had a feeling she knew what Demannu was about to do. She didn't see how it would help the situation, but apprehension coursed through her all the same.

"Go crickety minions! Beat all the Chinpokomon to smithereens!" she ordered, bellowing really, really loudly.

From behind Demannu thousands of crickets emerged from seemingly nowhere. None of them made a sound or any further movement, just sitting there staring at the spectators. Though they were normal cricket size, they were still somehow intimidating all the same. People in the crowd shrieked and backed away from the crickets, much afraid of them merely because they were insects.

"Is it another Chinpokomon?" Stan asked.

"I don't think so…" Kyle looked at the crickets before saying, "I think those are real crickets."

Without having been noticed, both Janice and Jeanette had managed to escape unscathed, perhaps terribly frightened of the crickets themselves. The crowd fell quite silent for a long while until several of the crickets chirruped. This caused many more to flee, storming past the eight-year-olds with fear, nearly trampling them several times.

Gummy Worm roared, and more fled while it flopped about. It died, apparently from severe pain from the chirruping of the crickets. With this, it spit Sting out, causing the man to fall to the floor with a tumble. He looked terribly afraid by that point, contemplating what had just happened to him.

"Sting!" Bob exclaimed with glee.

Sting screamed, running as fast as he could away from Bob. He was actually able to run now since the majority of the crowd had cleared away. Bob followed closely though, not willing to let Sting get away from her so easily and Sting's screams could be heard for quite a long time before they faded away.

"And so the battle ends…" Carl searched for the right word. "Heroically?"

With much oddity, a song by the Police began to fill the gymnasium as well, though no one seemed to really notice. Maybe the song had been on the whole time and no one had noticed over all the noise. Who knew, and really, who cared?

"I suppose that is the end of the Chinpokobattle," Laura commented, seeing only a few others, including Stan, Kyle and Cartman left in the gym.

"See," Demannu said calmly, her crickets sitting tranquilly behind her, "I win."

Sighing with exasperation, Carl and Laura stared at Demmanu. This was typical of her, yet the reaction to it was always the same. Bob was usually there to smack Demannu in retaliation, yet since she'd chased after Sting, there was no one there to do so.

"Dude, this is so ranking with the weirdest shit I've ever seen," Kyle said, receiving nods of agreement from his friends.

**End Episode 11**


	12. Episode 12:Finding Emo

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised. _

_Episode 12: Finding Emo_

"Dad, I'll be fine! All I'm doing is going to school!" the young boy insisted, glaring at his father out of the corner of his eyes as he was escorted to his classroom.

"I just want to meet your teacher," his father spoke with nervousness in his voice. He was paranoid that his son was going to get into some sort of tragic accident or another, even just in the school.

"No, you don't need to meet my teacher! You're going to ruin everything!" he snapped, walking along with his crutches as he went down the hall. He'd broken his leg recently and his father had become insanely paranoid about it. Though, he'd become insanely paranoid since the day his mother died, but that was a long story.

"Look, here we are! Watch out for the door," he held his son back with one of his arms so that he wouldn't be hit as the door opened.

Mr. Garrison, along with the rest of the class looked over at the door. In an instant Mr. Garrison's expression went from annoyed to frantic and he threw the chalk on the floor very forcefully.

"No, god damn you, no!" he yelled before storming out of the classroom and nearly knocking over the child and his father in the doorway.

"Oh, Jesus Christ," Mr. Slave commented lightly, rolling his eyes as the new boy and his father stared after Mr. Garrison.

"Uh, maybe we should just go home, come on-," the boy's father was just about to usher him away when a voice came from behind them.

"No, no. Everything's fine. Your son will be okay here," the woman's voice told them. Principle Victoria stood in the door way with a fuming Mr. Garrison. "Mr. Garrison's just having a rough day. Your son can go find a seat with the rest of the children."

"Maybe I should stay for a bit-?" the boy's father suggested nervously.

"Dad, just go! God, haven't you caused enough trouble?!" the boy stormed into the classroom the best he could with his crutches, leaving his father to discuss things with the principle.

He made his way over to an empty desk, sitting down and leaning his crutches against the nearest, unoccupied, still object. They slid a bit against the surface of the other empty desk, but he adjusted them so they stayed still. He then placed his backpack on the ground near by, getting out his books and pencils to be ready to work. It wasn't until he finished doing all this that he noticed everyone staring at him.

"What?" he asked sharply, pulling the one notebook with numerous writings on the cover away from someone who was leaning in to see.

"Dude, what the hell's your problem?" Kyle snapped in retaliation, finding this kid easily pissed him off.

"Never mind his problem, what's his dad's problem?" Cartman jeered as he watched Principle Victoria pull him away from the classroom.

"I'll be back to pick you up after school!" the boy's father called while being pulled away.

Some of the students in the class snickered at this, as well as Mr. Garrison's trudge back into the classroom. It was obvious that he was very reluctant, and many of them could understand why. No new student was a good student, and they never stayed. Ever.

"Class," he spoke, his voice seething with contempt, "we have a new student. What's your name, you little freak?"

The boy stared at the teacher, surprised at his rudeness, among other things. It was at that point that he also noticed the leather-clad man sitting in the corner, which startled him slightly. Why was there a strange looking leather-clad man in the room?

"I asked you your name, retard!" Mr. Garrison snapped, causing the boy to jump.

"My name is Steve," the boy looked away from the strange man and the teacher, focusing on the writings on the cover of his notebook.

"Well, Steve, how long will you be joining us? An hour? A day? A week?!" Mr. Garrison's voice cracked with each time he said a certain amount of time.

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked, but he received no response.

"Know what? It doesn't matter. All you little retards leave eventually, right? Yes, that's good," Mr. Garrison's voice quivered as his eyes were growing wider and wider.

"Dude, I think he's about to snap," Stan commented quietly.

"That's right, Stanley Marsh. I'm going to snap!" Mr. Garrison had somehow heard and was now laughing insanely.

"Holy shit, dude," Kyle breathed, almost becoming afraid at that point.

"This is hella funny!" Cartman snickered as he placed a hand over his mouth to stifle the laughter.

"Eric Cartman, you shut the hell up!" Mr. Garrison snapped.

"Jesus Christ," Mr. Slave commented again. "Mr. Garrison, please calm down."

Mr. Garrison let out a heavy sigh, looking at the man to his right. Mr. Slave's expression was one of worry, which caused him to calm himself immediately. "You're right, Mr. Slave," he said finally.

"Mr. Slave?" Steve whispered curiously. After a moment he groaned in annoyance and hit his head to his desk. 'I'm surrounded by psychopaths. This is the worst day ever,' he thought silently.

xxx

"Steve, I'm going out to the store to get some bread and juice!" Steve's father called from the front door, however he was promptly met by Steve seemingly seconds later.

"Let me go! I want to get out of the house," Steve demanded rather than asked, trying to take the money from his father to get the two food items needed.

"No, not in your condition. You can't walk very well," his father protested as he held the money high above his son's head so he couldn't get at it. "Besides, who knows what other freaks are in this neighbourhood."

"Then why the hell did we even bother to move here?!" Steve whined, still trying to get the money from his father's hand, yet he couldn't quite jump high enough (on one leg of course) to get it.

"I'm going now," he ignored the question as well as made the mistake to bring the hand with the money in it too low as he made to open the door.

When Steve saw the money was within his reach, he instantly snatched it away and ran out the partially open door. This running of course was very difficult, but he gained a head start on his dumbstruck father as he ran down the street. He soon heard his father shouting for him to stop and making his own run down the street, but it seemed even with normal running his father was slower.

'Stupid, dad. He thinks just because my leg is broken I'm a complete cripple. I hate him! He ruins my life!' Steve thought to himself as he continued running with the money down the street.

Suddenly, there was a car speeding down the street. It whizzed by Steve's father, causing him to somehow fall over from the force of the speed and then screeched to a halt beside Steve himself. Several men and women dressed in brightly coloured clothing jumped out of the car and nabbed the boy, causing him to drop his crutches in the street. Muffling his screams with a cloth (potentially covered with chloroform), they dragged him into the car, slammed the doors and sped away again.

"Steve! No!" his father yelled from his place on the ground. Once he got up though, he rushed after the car, almost tripping over the abandoned crutches in the process.

He ran for what seemed, to him, to be a long, long time, however it was merely a few minutes. He came to a halt, wheezing and crying in front of the house of Eric Cartman, at which point he yelled out for the car to get back there. Naturally, this drew the attention of the house's occupants and the fat boy appeared in the doorway to see what the hell had interrupted his television show.

"Aye! What the hell are you doing, hippie piece of shit?!" he cursed openly at the familiar man. He didn't really care who the guy was; all he cared about was that his show had been interrupted. "You're making me miss Terrance and Phillip, dick-weed!"

"Steve! Come back here with Steve!" the man ignored the child, only worried about his son and his son's well being. Why would someone want to kidnap his son anyway?

"I'm talking to you, turd-flinger!" Cartman walked down into the road and kicked the man in the ankle.

"Oww!" Steve's father took a tumble, falling over from the weak kick of the fat one.

"Stop your shitty whining!" Cartman snapped and noted that as the man looked over at him, he was crying profusely. "Hey, crybaby, shut up!"

"But they kidnapped my son!" the man yelled in return, suddenly gripping onto Cartman's shirt. "They kidnapped Steve!"

"Steve? Who the hell?" Cartman asked as he tried to push the man off of him so he could get back in the house. "That cripple kid?"

"Help me find my son!" the man was now shaking Cartman viciously as he pleaded with him.

"All right, all right! Just leave me alone after!" Cartman gave in, in figuring that the man would just keep asking if he didn't let him have his way. "Just let me tell my mom!"

"No! We have to go now!" Steve's father's voice was hoarse and raspy and he shook Cartman some more.

"Fine, you crazy hobo! Let's go!" Cartman said and told the man to lead the way, at which point, Steve's father started dragging him down the street.

Before long, they came across a woman wearing peculiar clothes, however, her clothes weren't the strangest part about her. When they asked her if she'd seen a car speeding down the road, she took a moment to think. After that moment, she shouted declaratively that she had and started running down the street in leading the way, having the two slower males following after her in a huffing state. 

But then she slowed back to a walk and kept looking suspiciously over her shoulder. When she saw them, she'd snap her head forwards again and walk a little faster. The two males followed, giving her odd looks whenever she did this, yet she suddenly took off into a run again. They followed, having her lead them in strange paths and behind many objects, however she suddenly stopped and turned around.

"Will you stop following me?!" she snapped, her expression held insane anger, annoyance and fright.

"But you're leading us to the speeding car, psycho bitch!" Cartman snapped right back between wheezes. He was growing irritated with this already and just wanted to go back home and finish watch television. No doubt Terrance and Phillip was over, but there were other things he'd planned on watching, too.

"A speeding car? I saw a speeding car! Follow me!" she shouted eagerly, starting to run off once again.

Steve's father grabbed her arm while saying, "We know you've seen a speeding car! You were already leading us to it!"

"I was?" she looked puzzled as she said this. "Oh dear, it's happened again hasn't it?"

"What's happened again?" Cartman demanded, about ready to kick her.

"Uh… yeah… I suffer from short term memory loss, so… I can remember something one minute and forget it the next…" She rung her hands on the edge of her odd shirt, it being blue with yellow and black placed sporadically all over it. It seemed as though she was ashamed that she'd started leading them to the car but then forgotten she was doing that. It was suddenly again that her mood seemed to change. She offered a hand for shaking while saying, "Hi. I'm Martha."

"Yeah, whatever, just lead us to the car," Cartman swatted her hand away.

"Car? Was it speeding?" Martha asked, her expression eager once again.

"Will you stop that, bitch?!" Cartman shouted at her, to which she recoiled.

"Kid, don't yell at her!" Steve's father piped up, having been silent for several long moments.

Sighing in exasperation, Cartman spoke through clenched teeth. "Do either of you at least know the license plate on the damn car?"

"I didn't see it…" Steve's father admitted, hanging his head in the process as he thought that now they would never find his son.

"42-WAL," Martha said suddenly, the format indicating that the license plate was perhaps personalized. "Hey! I remembered something!"

"Good, now let's find the god damn car!" Cartman yelled.

xxx

"Get in there, kid! And shut up!" one of the brightly garmented men said as he pushed Steve into a glass cage.

Steve did as he was told, hopping into the cage and instantly finding a corner to curl up in. He resisted whining, rocking back and forth as he tried to keep quiet. He was only sitting there for seconds when he saw someone emerge from the shadows beside him. Jumping up, he hopped away from the person as if he was in severe danger.

"Stay back!" Steve shouted, balancing on one leg and resting on hand on the wall.

"Don't worry, kid, we're here for the same reason you are," the kid that had emerged from the shadows said in a low voice.

"And why are we here?" Steve demanded.

"Because our parents are rich," someone else said from the other side of the cage, at which point Steve noticed several children sitting around.

"What?! My dad's not rich!" Steve nearly fell over at the 'reason' why he was there. His father was anything but rich.

"He must be if you're here," the first kid said slowly.

"No, he's not." Steve turned towards the glass door and starting banging his fist on it. "Let me out of here! My dad's not rich! You've got the wrong kid! Why are you doing this to me?"

"I said shut up, kid!" the brightly clad man returned, but, to his surprise, Steve only persisted with knocking on the glass.

"Let me out!"

"That's it!" the man was so frustrated that he ripped open the door, taking it clean off of its hinges. He looked at the door in his hand and had only one thing to say. "Oops."

"Let's get out of here!" the children all screamed happily while charging towards the doorway.

"You idiot! They're getting away!"

All of the brightly coloured ones chased after the children, but they seemed to have no ability in actually catching them. They all ran amuck, even leading their kidnappers to the outside world, where there were, conveniently many, many police officers waiting for them, as well as Cartman, Martha and Steve's father. They'd called the police from a nearby payphone upon finding the car.

Despite the police's protests, Steve's father charged into the building, looking frantically for his son. He found him backed into a corner as the guy with the door was approaching him threateningly. It looked as if the guy was using the door as a weapon, and Steve couldn't get away with his broken leg. The man charged towards the other man who was threatening his son and kicked him in the back of the knee. It was enough to defeat the guy because he fell over screaming about… his eye? Well… that was peculiar…

"Dad!" Steve was happy to see his father for once, reaching to hug him.

"It's all okay now, Steve. Everything's okay!" the father hugged his son, thankful that he wasn't hurt.

When they reached the outside of the building, the police officer was explaining why the children had been kidnapped.

"You see, these people are former celebrities and wealthy people who lost all their money. They're trying to get it back by kidnapping rich kids so that they can hold them for ransom," the officer explained as the other police officers ushered the criminals into the cars.

"We'll get our money back! You mark my words!" one of the former celebrities shouted.

"Of course you will," the police officer agreed sarcastically. "Well, now all is well, so we can all go home."

"Finally!" Cartman shouted in relief, annoyed that he'd had to find some whiny little brat instead of watching television. He followed someone who would take him home.

xxx

The next morning, they heard that Steve and his father already left South Park, with their new friend Martha, who seemed to be remembering things better now. Mr. Garrison and Cartman were the most relieved to hear about this, though Stan and Kyle couldn't understand why Cartman was happy to see someone he could easily make fun of go. An explanation followed.

"You see guys, I learned something yesterday…" he started out sounding all serious and reflective, but that quickly turned to rage. "New kids are fucking messed up! That whiny bitch's father dragged me all around South Park last night just because he couldn't find his god damned son! And then, the psycho lady with memory issues! God! We should kill them all!"

"Eric Cartman!" Mr. Garrison snapped and they all looked at their teacher tentatively. "Please, say that again."

* * *

Credits  
Steve: Nemo  
Steve's Father: Marlin  
Martha: Dory 


	13. Episode 13:Stark's Pond WatchPart 1

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised. _

_Episode 13: Stark's Pond Watch_

It was a regular day in South Park. People were out doing their daily business, bitching about such and such a thing and all the regular South Park madness. The local children, off school because it was a Saturday, were skating on Stark's Pond, chasing each other and pushing people around on the ice. Tweek was going around spasmodically and shouting about how they shouldn't push people around because they were going to get hurt. His usual phrase, "Too much pressure!" left his mouth at least once every ten minutes.

Even Cartman was out and skating with his friends. Though, rather than skating, he was going on about how Jews shouldn't skate because it was against some random law that he'd obviously just made up. Kyle wasn't about to go ask Officer Barbrady considering that the dunce of an officer had said it was against the law for him to catch snowflakes on his tongue all those years back.

As usual, Stan only had eyes for Wendy. He was watching her skate around with Bebe and her other friends and fighting back the nausea that always came to him whenever he even thought about the girl. Stan kept telling himself that someday the nausea would pass and he'd be able to talk to her normally.

Like any other day when the boys and girls would go ice skating, Kyle had had to bring his little brother, Ike, along at his mother's insistence. There was no way in hell that Kyle would defy his mother. That was a dangerous endeavour indeed.

Just another day in South Park where the kids were allowed to do what they wanted unsupervised, probably due to the size of their hick town. Everyone knew everyone else. No need to worry. Parents were off at work or shopping or whatever the hell parents did during the day. With some more than others, many were sure they didn't want to know what they were doing; a one Leanne Cartman came to mind.

"Cartman, would you just fuck off and go annoy someone else?" Kyle turned to face the fat child, who was stumbling along behind him on his skates.

"I'm telling you, Kyle. Jews just aren't allowed to skate. It's a miracle that you even have the ability to skate in the first place!" Cartman insisted in an 'I-know-everything-about-everything' voice. Like Cartman ever would know everything about everything.

"How the hell did you even come up with that 'law' anyway?" Kyle demanded, his face contorted in anger.

"I didn't come up with it. It's just known fact! You really should take a look at the laws before you do stuff, Kyle," Cartman shook his head as he said this, as if very disappointed that Kyle wasn't up to date with the law.

"Christ, just go away."

Kyle turned away from Cartman and raced along to go catch up with Stan. Though he knew Stan would be about as conversational as a pile of mud at the moment, all things considered.

"Ay! I'm not done talking to you, Jew! You will respect m-!"

Cartman had begun to race forward, too. He only managed, however, to stumble along the ice when he hit a bump in its surface. His arms flailed, spinning in circles as he attempted to keep his balance while his one leg was also flailing about like mad. The look on his face changed to one of pure fear, but no one really noticed it in the seconds that all this happened.

Everyone did notice, however, that there was a sudden shock in the ice and a cry of dismay from somewhere on its surface. Everyone's attention was drawn to Cartman, all shocked to feel the ice move beneath them and to see Cartman resisting tears and trying to get the air back into himself as he pushed away from the ice.

All seemed to be okay. The ice seemed stable. Seemed. The moment someone took a step, the ice cracked. The large crack formed right through the middle of its surface, and everyone began to panic. The kid who'd taken a step was lost beneath the ice's surface.

"Oh my god, they killed some random kid!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastar-!" Kyle began, but the kid came up to the edge of the cracked ice suddenly, sputtering for someone to help him.

"Someone, please!" the boy managed, spitting water out of his mouth all the while. His hands clawed at the ice, trying to get a grip, but failing miserably. Suddenly, the kid was lost to the water again.

"Help! Someone!" some of the other children began to scream.

"What do we do?!" Tweek dared not move, but couldn't help his constant shaking. "Too much pressure!" There it was again.

"Tweek, shut up! Someone will come!" someone else ordered.

"All right," a booming voice came around the children. They all started in surprise. "No one move! We'll get you out of there!"

"A helicopter? What the hell?" Kyle asked, looking up at the machine and bracing himself against the wind the propellers caused.

"I don't know, dude." Stan watched in just as much awe and stupor.

The helicopter was a little much, but it got the children out of there. Until it came to Cartman. He'd managed to get the loop around his body that was attached to the rope that would pull him up. Just barely managed. And now the people in the helicopter were trying to pull him up the same as they'd done with the other children.

"Christ! This kid weighs a ton!" one of the rescue men said. "Hey, Jim, give me a hand here."

"God damn, that's a fat ass!" Jim exclaimed, putting all his own weight into pulling Cartman up.

"Ay! I'm not fat! I'm big boned!"

"We're losing stability!" the pilot shouted to the two men. "Jesus Christ! We're gonna go down!"

And so they did. The helicopter took a nosedive into the ground right beside the pond. Amidst the jammed helicopter blades and illogically flaming engine, the people made a quick escape from the helicopter, even if they were injured. Cartman struggled to get the loop off of himself, just barely managing before making his run away with the others.

"It's gonna blow!" the pilot shouted.

"Hit the dirt!" one of the rescue workers shouted in return.

All took dives into the piles of snow. They waited for a few minutes. Nothing happened. A few of the children peeked out from their hiding places amongst the snow. All that met their eyes was a helicopter with a jamming blade, a flaming engine and a pond with cracked ice.

"Uh… false alarm…" the pilot stammered.

The fire crew came along in their trucks, skidding to a halt and sending snow flying in every which direction. They hopped out of the truck and rushed around with the fire hoses and spraying water on the flaming engine. They began to douse the flames by the time the ambulance came speeding along and crashed into the fire engine. No fire ensued, but a bunch of angry people began shouting at one another before the ambulance people realized they had others to take care of.

So, while the fire fighters cursed out the ambulance people for crashing into their truck, the ambulance people were taking care of any injuries that had been caused by the crash of the helicopter. One had now to question whether today was a normal day in South Park.

Probably was.

"We've just managed to fish the frozen, drowned boy out of South Park's own Stark's Pond. Unlike the frozen, iceman, it doesn't look promising for this little boy. The parents are devastated, I'm sure, since we can't find them anywhere. The question now stands as to whether our children are safe skating on the pond."

In the background, there was sight of someone literally fishing the boy out of the pond. No one really took notice at the time, but there was something peculiar about the boy's body. Regardless, the man seemed really pleased with his catch. He was holding it up like someone would hold up a fish and grinning as if someone was taking the picture to hang on his wall and print in the newspapers and fishing magazines.

"Is there anything else to report, Mr. I-don't-have-any-fingers?" the main anchorman asked the man on the scene reporting.

"Yes there is, Tom. Rumour has it that a little Jewish boy was also skating today on the pond. Investigators are looking to see if this has anything to do with the accident," the man held the microphone between his palms, since he really didn't have any fingers.

"Thank you, Mr. No Fingers, shocking report. Next-"

Sheila Broflovski turned off the television, fuming, though attempting to disregard to final comments made by the news persons. She looked to her audience before her, which was, surprise, surprise, the concerned parents and other citizens of South Park.

"Like the man said, are our children safe skating on this pond unsupervised, if at all? You saw what happened to the little boy! That could be any of our children next!" she declared, waving her hands around emphatically.

"But what are we supposed to do?" a random voice shouted from the audience.

"I'll tell you what we have to do! We have to station life guards at the pond to watch our children!" Sheila looked at them as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. Why couldn't they figure it out?

The room was silent, all expecting the life guards to take a stand and declare they were up for the job. No one did.

"Do we even have lifeguards…?" someone, again random, asked.

"Of course we do." Sheila glared at the people she knew were lifeguards.

"Hey! I only work summers, lady," the one girl said. "I'm not going out there in this weather and standing around watching some little kids."

"But we need someone!"

"Who can we get?"

"I know exactly who!"

"Who?!"

"See, Kyle. I told you Jews weren't allowed to skate. It's all your fault that this kid died," Cartman told them as they sat in class waiting for Mr. Garrison to show up.

Kyle ignored him. Instead he was watching the door, waiting for Mr. Garrison to burst in and call them all little bastards or something of the sort. He was growing insanely bored with just sitting there. When he glanced over, it looked like Stan had taken to taking a nap on his desk. Hey, now that wasn't a bad idea.

It was Tuesday now. Two days after the incident on Stark's Pond. None of them were allowed to go skating there for the time being because of the extreme 'danger'. Like they would have wanted to anyway. Some were just waiting for the ice to thicken and seal the crack again, while others were paranoid that it wasn't safe to go skating there at all. When Stan, Kyle and Cartman had gone to check it out Monday after school, the yellow tape was still surrounding the area of the pond. None of the three had dared go under it, even though Cartman had declared that 'no fucking tape was going to stop him from doing what he wanted'. He'd left. Wow, he really showed that tape who was boss.

Mr. Garrison had shown up an hour late yesterday and today it didn't appear that he was showing up at all.

"Maybe he finally got sick of us and quit," Craig piped up, breaking the silence that had formed in the room.

"Don't be ridiculous. There's probably some reasonable explanation for this," Wendy insisted.

"Yeah. Him quitting would be reasonable," Craig told her.

"What do you know?" Wendy hmphed and refused to speak with him any further at the moment.

"Aw, poor Wendy's all pissed off," Cartman found his new target to bug since Kyle was being unresponsive.

"Fuck off, Cartman," Wendy snapped, having none of the fat kid's nonsense.

"God damn you people," Cartman crossed his arms and glowered at the wall as he sat in his desk.

Another hour passed. No Mr. Garrison.

"I don't know what the hell's going on, but I'm fucking bored!" Cartman declared. "Screw you guys, I'mma goin' home."

No one said anything as Cartman left, all too disinterested, though some were considering the same thing. After a while, some others did leave. Others, however, stayed in their seats, knowing their parents would slaughter them if they found out they'd skipped school.

A few students had taken to crunching paper up into little balls and having contests to see who could throw it into the garbage can, or who could get closest at the very least. Only one of them had managed to actually get it in so far, which had caused a brief uproar of excitement, which quickly fell when he missed the next shot.

Others, like Wendy, were taking the time to catch up on some homework. Or, in Wendy's case, get ahead in homework. Even she quickly became bored with that and was staring off into space, before doodling on her desk. Before erasing those doodles, ashamed that she'd done such a thing. Before she opened a random text book (that no one else in the class had even known existed) and started reading that.

Stan had been off in dream land, before the cheer from the people had awoken him. He'd gazed around bleary eyed, trying to figure out what all the excitement was about only to find that it was nothing of importance. After that, unable to get back to his nap on the desk, he'd taken to playing cards with Kyle and eventually one or two other kids joined in on the game of crazy eights.

It was a relief and a half when the lunch bell rang. The children stormed out of the room and rushed to the cafeteria, if they hadn't left early. Many had left early to get first dibs on the food in line, not that it would have been any different if they were the last in the line or the first in line.

After lunch, all of Mr. Garrison's class, even Wendy Testaburger, headed home. To hell with the class. To hell with getting in trouble. They were all too bored to care.

"Hey, why don't we go see if the pond's open yet," Kyle suggested as all the students were collecting their things to leave.

"Hey yah! Then we won't have to go home and have our parents yell at us," Stan agreed, very much liking the idea.

"I don't know, fellas. We could get into even more trouble that way. My mom says I shouldn't go skating on the pond anymore," Butters piped up, rubbing his hands together in the same way he always did. Whenever he was nervous he did it; no one even noticed it anymore.

"Fine then. Be a pussy and go home, Butters. I'm going to the pond." Stan didn't give a shit either way.

A chorus of agreement followed him as he and the rest of his class pulled out their skates (perhaps they always carried them with them?) and began heading out the door to go to Stark's Pond.

When they got there, they were excited to see that the police tape was gone. Their faces turned to irritation when they saw Cartman skating on the ice. He was the only one there at the moment.

"Cartman, get the fuck off the ice," Kyle ordered.

"Yeah, you're going to crack it again, lardo," Clyde snapped.

"Well, look who showed up! You all grow some balls and get the nerve to leave class?" No one responded to him. "Too bad. I'm not leaving, since I was here first."

"Why do you have to be such a dick?" Token asked.

"Oh who cares, let's just go skating." Wendy stepped out onto the ice, Bebe right behind her, as well as the rest of their little group of girls.

All the others glowered at Cartman, but got onto the ice and skated around anyway. Several were going tentatively at first, but then began as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Soon the air was filled with the children's laughter and all their hatred was forgotten for a moment.

Kyle skated around like nothing was out of the ordinary. It had gone back to being just a regular day and he wasn't about to waste any more of it because his jackass teacher didn't show up. Surprise, surprise, though, it wasn't long before the out of the ordinary reared its ugly head.

As he turned the curve, there was a sudden flash in Kyle's eyes. Startled and suddenly seeing spots all around him, he fell onto the ice, not causing anywhere near the effect that Cartman had. Stan skated over to his friend instantly to make sure he was okay and some other kids came over to see what was going on. Cartman was at the head of this group.

"Got him! I got the Jew ice skating!" the random person who'd taken the picture shouted triumphantly.

"What the hell?" Stan demanded.

"Hahaha! What'd I tell yah, Kyle? I warned you! But you wouldn't listen!" Cartman laughed at the scene, thoroughly enjoying Kyle's glower.

"Hey! You're the one who caused the ice to crack the last time!"

The camera flashed again. The laughter stopped. The spots formed before Cartman's eyes and as he began to back up, he too fell over. Lucky for them this time the ice held, though the cameraman dropped the camera from the shock and the device broke as it struck the ice's surface. Everyone was still, waiting for something to happen.

The ice didn't crack.

"Hang on, you little whipper-snappers!"

All heads turned in the direction of the voice, wondering what the hell was going on now. Their jaws dropped at what they saw.

An elderly woman was headed their way. Her attire was completely spandex and while it appeared that she was running in slow motion, that was her top speed. The sight of the running elderly woman induced vomiting and fainting because… well… for obvious reasons.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell is going on now?" Stan looked away and shielded his eyes from the obscene sight.

"I'll save you youngins! Don't you worry!" the woman's strained voice shouted again. It was more laboured this time as she was obviously running out of breath.

When the old woman got to the scene, she took a second to stop and take several deep breaths. The children stared on in horror and disgust, shudders racking their forms every once in a while. When she'd gotten enough air back into her, she picked up the destroyed camera and waved it in the cameraman's face.

"This is dangerous! You made these youngsters fall down! Don't you watch the news?! Someone died last time!" she shouted, her light, aged eyes glaring all the while. Her white hair was dishevelled now, falling out of the bun that it had been tied to on the back of her head. "You take your nasty machine and get out of here!"

The cameraman, dumbstruck, didn't move. At which point the elder woman pulled a broom out of seemingly nowhere and began hitting the guy with it. He yelped, jumping each time the broom hit his ass and began running. The woman chased after him as far as she could, hitting him with the broom and saying he needed to respect his elders.

"That is just too weird for words…" Kyle blinked, the spots finally going away. Odd enough that the guy was seeming to prove Cartman right in the first place, but even weirder that it now seemed that old people were going to take care of them while they skated.

"You whipper-snappers all right?" the voice of an elderly man asked standing behind them. His attire was much the same as the woman's. The man's eyes suddenly went blank and he stared off into space. Someone coughed, snapping him out of his reverie. "What's happening here? How'd I get here? Oh, I think soaps are on." The old man began walking away, as if the children no longer existed.

The children just stared at him dumbfounded.

"I think there's one person to blame for this." Cartman stood up shakily, keeping his balance with his arms out at his sides.

"Oh yah, and who's that?" Stan asked, helping Kyle to his feet.

Cartman only looked at Kyle. Oh no, he wasn't blaming Kyle.

"Cartman, not everything's my mom's fault," Kyle snapped.

"Yes it is," Cartman insisted.

"No. It isn't."

"It's not your fault your mom's a bitch, Kyle. It's okay."

"Fuck. Off. And. Die." Kyle didn't say anything more, simply stalking off.

"The poor boy." Cartman shook his head.

Kyle slammed the door at home, throwing his skates that had been draped over his shoulder on the floor. His boots soon joined them and he hung his coat up on the coat rack. He knew he would get in trouble for being home early, but too damn bad. He didn't want to deal with Cartman anymore today.

"Bubalah, is that you?" Sheila called from in the den. Hell, she was probably watching the same soaps that that old guy had mentioned.

"Yeah ma," Kyle didn't bother lying. He walked into the den to give a proper hello to his mother. He was surprised to see that she wasn't the least bit angry, as if she knew something he didn't.

"Have you gone ice skating yet today? The pond's open again," Sheila said with a quick grin thrown in her son's direction before her attention fell back to the television set.

"Actually… yeah… I was already skating at the pond…" Kyle spoke hesitantly, not liking how calm and open she was about him skipping school.

"Meet anyone new there?" she asked in what sounded like a casual voice, but Kyle could suddenly see where this was going. He glowered at the thought that Cartman had been right.

"Mom, you got them to station… lifeguards… at the pond didn't you?" He was obviously using the term lifeguards very loosely.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Sheila asked, but then continued. "They're only there for your own good."

"Mom, I seriously doubt that they could save us. We'd probably be the ones saving them."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kyle," Sheila insisted.

Kyle sighed, knowing he wasn't about to get through to his mother. His shoulders slumped slightly in defeat as he turned to head up to find something to do in his room.

"Some breaking news! The body of the frozen boy, after much examination seems to be missing the lower half of his body! We have Dr. Mafesto here to tell us just why!" The fingerless reporter was once again on the job of reporting this story. His eyes were alight with false excitement and care.

"Yes, it seemed that the boy's lower half was _bitten_ off. That's right, bitten off. By what? I don't know. But it's some very large creature with very sharp teeth." Dr. Mafesto told this to the rest of South Park with his little assistant-monkey-thing at his side. No one ever knew what the hell it was.

"Anything you advise, Dr.?" the reported asked.

"Don't go to the pond! Stark's Pond is dangerous!"

_To be continued..._


	14. Episode 13:Stark's Pond WatchPart2

**South Park With An Odd Twist**

_The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.  
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.  
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.  
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised. _

_Episode 13: Stark's Pond Watch, Part Two_

"What the hell? Stark's Pond is closed again?" Stan questioned as the trio approached the pond.

Again it was surrounded by police tape, but there were a whole bunch of investigators carefully taking water samples and the likes from in and around the pond. A small crowd had gathered to watch them, but other than that it was pretty uneventful. Some of the investigators were even sitting around talking; maybe they were on a break. Yet, some of them were speaking casually with the observers…

"I told you, dude," Kyle supplied. "It said so on the news or something. My mom's been freaking out about it since she saw the report."

"Tch. When does the bitch _not_ freak out about something?" Cartman scoffed, approaching the police tape and doing well to ignore Kyle's scathing glare. "Ain't no god damn yellow tape that can keep me out."

But as he placed a pudgy, gloved hand on the tape to tear it down and clear his path, a gun was suddenly pointed at his head.

"Jesus Christ!" Stan exclaimed and backed away a few steps even though he was already a decent distance from where Cartman was.

"No one is to go near Stark's Pond," the gun man, an officer completely in black, including sunglasses and gloves, told Cartman at gunpoint.

"A-aye!" Cartman stuttered out his protest and trying to keep the air of defiance. He did, however, remove his hand from the tape. "I'll kick you squa' in the nuts!" But as he heard the man cock the gun to fire, he turned and ran, promptly using Kyle as a human shield. "Take the Jew! Not me!"

"Cartman!" Kyle shouted angrily, aiming to elbow the fat boy in the ribs. Of course he only managed to hit the cushion that was Cartman's stomach, but the point still managed to get across. Cartman backed away, but still was keeping Kyle between himself and the gunman.

The gunman continued to stare at them, but lowered the gun. He didn't put the weapon in the holster, but rather left it hanging at his side. They couldn't see his eyes, but they got a sense that they were just giving the kind of glare that just dared them to move. None did, trying even not to breathe.

"Hey! I found something!"

All turned, but by the time they looked to where the voice had come from, no one was standing there. There were footprints in the snow, but no sign of any other life form there at all. Looking around, no one could spot the man. Someone even checked the outhouse they were using, but it was empty. Most shrugged and then just made to return to what they were doing before.

"Probably nothing," one commented.

"Hey, where's Bob?" another questioned.

"Who's Bob?" someone else asked.

"You know, the guy with the face."

"Oh! That guy." Despite the fact that they all had a face, the man seemed to understand and know who it was that the other was speaking of. He scratched the back of his head and looked around, puzzled. "Yeah, where is Bob?"

They searched, even forcing the boys and the crowd to help out. Cartman bitched and whined about it, but at the threaten of the gun again, he quickly set to work to find Bob. It was only five minutes into the search, but someone saw something. The water, as they all saw in gathering, of the pond had turned red. Of course, that wasn't even the whole issue.

"Oh my god! Shark!" Cartman yelled, pointing near the center of the pond and cringing.

"Don't be stupid. Sharks don't live in ponds," Kyle scoffed, shaking his head and not even bothering to look. He'd turned away to begin searching again.

"Dude, what's that then?"

At the sound of Stan's voice, Kyle decided to turn back and look. He threw Stan a questioning look as he did so, but saw Stan insist that he look at the pond. The redhead's jaw dropped when he saw the dorsal fin sticking out of the water, but then it disappeared. By then, everyone present was watching the rippling, reddish water very closely, their eyes tracing the shark's movements as it circled beneath.

"What do we do?" Stan asked, looking to his companions for ideas.

"What would Brian Boitano do?" Cartman said pensively.

"We don't have time to think about what Brian Boitano would do!" Kyle snaped, pointing to the pond's water now; as if they weren't already looking.

Now they witnessed as the shark pulled a very whale-like move and leapt out of the water. Time seemed to slow down as it arched in the air, showing its complete form to the audience. Some could have sworn they heard cameras snapping shots and camera phones doing the same of the majestic move the creature pulled. When the seemingly-slow-motion minute passed, the shark splashed gracefully back into the water.

"That's it?" Kyle asked. His shocked expression this time was not of fear but of disbelief. The shark had looked no bigger than a housecat.

"We need a professional!" the gunman nearly screamed out in his clear panic. His eyes were wide and his form was shaking. He dropped his gun in the snow as he began to run in circles and screaming like he was on fire.

Unfortunately for him, he ran much too closely to the water, stumbling along even. Before anyone could warn him to stay away, the shark reached out of the water and grabbed the man's leg. Swiftly, he was dragged under, despite his attempts at grabbing onto the snow to keep him from being sucked in. The last they heard of him was as his gurgling screams came from below the surface and then they saw blood stain the water again.

"Oh my god!" Kyle cringed and took several steps backwards. Stan was quick to follow.

Yet, as the screams erupted around them and people began fleeing and shouting for the mayor, Cartman took a step forward.

"Cartman, what are you doing?!" Stan demanded.

"Aye! Son of a bitch!" Cartman turned to face them with the gun in his hands.

"Put that down!" Stan ordered now, his eyes widening in horror at the sight of the weapon.

"That asshole!" Cartman continued, aiming and then firing the gun at them. "It's just a water gun!"

The mayor sat in her office, going over some paperwork (more like throwing out whatever didn't look even remotely interesting; which of course meant most of it was thrown out). The woman suddenly heard a rumbling noise, like footsteps rushing towards her building. She shook her head, trying to ignore it and even hitting her ears in hopes that it would make the sound go away, but then she saw her assistant burst into her office and her face fell.

"What is it now?" she sighed heavily, standing from her chair behind the desk.

"I don't know, mayor," her assistant shook his head feebly.

"Why the hell not?" she snapped. "It's your job to know!"

"They all just showed up and are all shouting at once. I can't understand a word they're saying!"

"Damn it," she cursed, heading to the front of the building to deal with the people.

When she stepped outside, everyone automatically began screaming for her attention. It was true, she couldn't understand a lick of what they were saying either and she held up her hands to try and hush them since she knew that yelling would only add to the noise. Some began to fall silent and then the others followed suit. The rabbling began to die down.

"So, what crisis is threatening us now?" she sighed.

"Mayor! There's a shark in Stark's Pond!"

"A shark?" she demanded, snapping to her senses in sudden alarm. "Holy shit, how did a shark get in Stark's Pond?"

"Who cares?!" someone protested. "What are you going to do about it?!"

"Me?!" she shrieked. When did she ever do anything besides order people around?

She tried to think quickly as the infuriated and terrified rabbling started up again. Suddenly, it dawned on her, and she raised her hands again to quiet them down. It took a little longer, but the people did shut up again.

"People, please, calm down," she said as the rabble died away. "We will handle this."

"We will?" her assistant whispered to her frantically.

"Of course we will, you idiot!" she snapped at him, also in a whisper.

"What are you going to do?" a voice demanded to know.

"I'm not going back there!" an elderly woman, one who had become one of the lifeguards protested.

"We'll get the best damned shark hunters there are in South Park!" the mayor announced and the crowd grew puzzled.

"Who?"

Jimbo and Ned stood examining the boat they were to use on the shark hunt. They'd both been surprised when the mayor came to them claiming there was a shark in Stark's Pond, but they were up to the job. There wasn't anything that would get away when they were hunting!

The pair appeared to be meticulously looking at every detail of the boat, humming and ha-ing every once in a while. It was like they were searching for one thing in particular, like a switch or a hidden compartment.

"Well?" the mayor demanded. She was standing nearby, arms crossed and watching the two men in their examining of the vessel. She was growing impatient and knew that the town would have her neck soon if she didn't do anything.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat," Ned said, holding the microphone to his throat and looking at the mayor.

"What?" she demanded, astounded.

"We're gonna get a bigger boat, right?" Jimbo was now the one to ask. He leaned slightly on the edge of the boat, watching the mayor's reactions.

"This is the biggest boat we have," the mayor told them, cocking a brow. "Besides, the thing's only as big as a cat, isn't it?"

"Mayor, it's already eaten three people, maybe more. We need a bigger boat," Jimbo stressed.

"We don't have one!" she snapped angrily now. What part of 'the biggest boat we have' didn't they understand?

"Damn it. Guess this'll just have to work then," Jimbo sighed.

"Let's get 'im," Ned piped up.

"Yeah," Jimbo nodded with a smile and looked to Ned, then back to the mayor. "Mayor, have this ship-"

"It's a boat," she interrupted.

"Right. Have it brought to Stark's Pond for tomorrow afternoon," Jimbo told her.

"Why in the afternoon?" she asked curiously.

"Springer's on in the morning," Jimbo supplied as if it was an obvious fact.

Jimbo and Ned turned to leave and as they did, Jimbo spoke again.

"Come on, Ned. We have to get our guns ready."

"Yeah."

The mayor sighed and shook her head, but planned to comply with their wishes anyway. She left the large shed they had all been standing in to head off to tell the others of the updated plan. She didn't doubt they'd still be rabbling in front of her office building.

A whole crowd, a good majority of the town, had gathered around Stark's Pond, including the lifeguards who were forced to be there in case Jimbo or Ned needed their help. Grudgingly, they stood on the sidelines in their Speedos and bathing suits.

Jimbo and Ned stood, lowering their weapons into the fair sized speedboat. All the while, both were grumbling about how they really needed a bigger boat, but no one had one for them so they had to make do.

Stan, Kyle and Cartman stood along the sidelines with the rest of their class. Cartman still had the water gun and hadn't stopped squirting Tweek and Butters with it, much to their dismay. They kept whining for him to stop, especially since their clothes were developing a thin layer of frost.

Ned and Jimbo were staring at the waters with the mayor now. None of the trio could see sign of the shark as the waters were calm, but there was that fear of just knowing that it was there. There and waiting for them to get into the water so that it could eat them. Or at least slaughter them brutally.

"Well, good luck," the mayor spoke quickly and turned to get a safe distance away from the water.

Jimbo looked after her, then to Ned. "Ready, Ned?"

"Ready," the microphone-voice replied.

With that, the pair began to push the weapon-filled boat into the water. The crowd held their breath as the two men got into the boat and it drifted to the middle of the pond. The water remained still, save for the rippling the boat caused.

"Nothing's happening," Butters commented, daring step near the trio of Stan, Kyle and Cartman. Cartman had stopped squirting him with the gun when the boat went into the water, but the blonde was still wary.

"Oh, jolly good. Maybe the shark's gone," Pip spoke, peering around the others to see what was happening.

"I don't think so, dude," Kyle commented to Stan, his eyes glued to the water. "How could it just disappear?"

"Maybe the same way it randomly appeared?" Cartman challenged, but all could see and hear the tension in him. And there was the fact that he was standing slightly behind Kyle again, fully prepared to put his human shield into action.

"I don't know," Stan breathed.

Jimbo tapped the side of the boat in boredom. Ned had taken to humming a tune that sounded familiar to Jimbo, so he joined in, but sang instead.

"Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago and I went straight to my head. Oh! Wherever I may roam, on land or sea or foam, you will always hear me singing this song. Show me the way to go home."

The pair stopped abruptly, though.

"There it is, Ned!" Jimbo whispered frantically, leaning forward as he did so.

The dorsal fin had appeared, sticking just slightly out of the water. The crowd gasped as they spotted it, too, but just as quickly as it was spotted, it disappeared beneath the surface.

"The bitch is circling us," Jimbo whispered still, peering over the edge of the boat and seeing shadows moving.

"Get the weapons," Ned suggested, picking up a large gun that he held a little awkwardly with his one hand/arm.

Jimbo also grabbed a weapon; a large bazooka, which came to rest on his shoulder while he steadied it and readied to fire.

"It's coming right for us," Ned said in advance, though it was barely audible since he couldn't put his microphone to his throat.

"Thin out their numbers," Jimbo whispered after.

"Just save the god damn people!" the mayor shouted as if she'd heard their previous statements.

"Save the people," Jimbo and Ned said together. No doubt this would become their new hunting phrase.

The shark suddenly rose out of the water a great deal more than just the dorsal fin. They saw the eyes and even the teeth of the cat-sized shark as it aimed to take a bite of their boat.

Ned yelled out in shock, protest and fear, but fired the gun anyway. The force of it knocked him off balance in the boat, though the bullet managed to hit near the dorsal fin.

"Ned!" Jimbo shouted as the shark retreated for a moment. Upon seeing Ned was all right, he turned his attention back to the water.

The shark had emerged again, this time looking mighty pissed off. But as it opened its mouth wide to chomp the boat, Jimbo fired. The bazooka fired right into the shark's open mouth and it exploded, its remains flying everywhere.

"Sick!" Kyle exclaimed, taking a step back as a portion of the remains landed near him.

But even as he said this, the crowd began to cheer and Jimbo and Ned returned to shore. The crowd charged forward and swarmed around the pair, praising them as heroes and everyone began congratulating them.

"All right, man. We can go skating again when the pond refreezes," Cartman proclaimed happily, starting to squirt the gun at Butters and Tweek again.

"Hooray!" the children shouted together, even the two victims of the water gun.

"You boys will be completely safe, too. The lifeguards will be sticking around in case you get into any trouble," Mrs. Broflovski told them as she overheard their conversation as she walked by.

"Ah!" they all grumbled.

Cartman only glared off after Mrs. Broflovski and then at Kyle.

**END**

* * *

I'd like to give thanks to those who have supported _South Park With An Odd Twist_! I'm glad you've enjoyed it!

Still want more? Go to my author page and you'll find the 'next season': _South Park With An Older Twist_!  
-L. Barton


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